Sunday, January 31, 2010


I've decided to change the format of my dramatically, and will probably do away with the prevailing negative and dark ambiance.

I have a few reasons for doing so, the first being that I'm much happier now than when I started writing this, because, let's face it: that was a pretty fucked-up time. It takes a substantial amount of maximum subconscious rage to hash out that much dark humour, and gee golly, I'm about plum out.

Honestly, if the good side of me and the evil side of me had a Battle Royale, an all-out fight to the death in the streets of Tokyo while piloting towering mecha robots armed with lasers, missiles and fear, I would want the good me to prevail, and then plant a flag with my face on it into the burning corpse of the evil me.

And who says violence isn't the answer? Geez.

I was also somewhat inspired by the deposed Generalissimo of Late-Night Talk, Conan O'Brien, to not be a cynical little fucker. To me, it's not really that funny anymore, and I find myself saying "Well, I can't post this... it's too upbeat." so I have to scrap a lot of creativity for the sake of this "image" which isn't even really me anymore. Truthfully, I can do a whole lot more than just bitch on the internet all the time. Really.

So what does a more upbeat version of myself look like?

I'm already considering a new design for my blog, because I sure don't want it to look typical or boring. I'm pretty sure I'm over the black background, too, but the alternative of white might be worse depending on what I decide to do with it. I would definitely have a contest for my readers for ideas, with the prize being a never-ending supply of Cinnamon-flavored gum, but I doubt there are enough readers for that to be effective. If I had Adobe Photoshop, I could make a crackerjack layout that would make all the Scene Girls jealous as fuck, but alas, I'm stuck with an outdated drawing program, so I'll probably just post pictures of stick people humping.

I know a few people (like Blaine) will be disappointed and upset, possibly jumping in front of a street sweeper. Don't do that, though. There are still plenty of other raging assholes writing on the internet about lord-only-knows-what, and being hilarious in the process.

That's all for now. Toodles.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Ban This, China.

A dangerous capitalist lackey radical being demolished by the glorious defenders of the people's republic.

In the words of that little black girl with the microphone, "We gotta fight the China power before they put the hoo-cha-cha on us." and I agree. I've had enough of their lead-filled children's toys, bird-based pathogens, and under-aged gymnasts. Nastia Liuken was robbed by extremely flexible Communists in sparkling leotards and she now lives in disgrace, using her forehead as a landing strip for large airliners, all because of fucking China.

China has now gone to the point of building a Great Wall of Denial to control the information on Google, blocking all the dangerous radical Western influences. After all, it's against the law to say that Hu Jintao is a premature ejaculator who smears komodo dragon feces on his face because of his mental retardation. The police would knock on my door and I would be arrested, carted off to China's courts, which would declare me guilty, and sentence me to be a contestant on Japanese game shows for the rest of my life. Trust me, it's the reason seppuku was invented.

I think, therefore, every website in the world should post Anti-Communist messages that specifically antagonize the Chinese Government, so they will have to block the entire internet except for itself.

Here's mine:

PEKING DUCK? MORE LIKE PEKING SHIT. Chairman Mao's mother was a prostitute.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Relationship Advice From An Evil Genius

Congratulations, all you socially-retarded rosacea-plastered comic-book-addicted saxicolous geekzoid milquetoasts from Tatooine. You no longer have to curl in a fetal position in a dark corner, sweating and simultaneously shitting your pants, because The Most Reliable News Network Ever Created has reported that robots for sex have been created, and all this time you've asserted steadfastly that John Hughes wasn't the amazing visionary we all now know that he is.

Now that all my thick and creamy (Now with 5% less Saturated Fat than the leading brands, suck it, Campbell's) and mildly inimical sarcasm is out of the way... what the fuck?

I am so offended, and they didn't even mention my negro dialect. If there were an Al Sharpton of Nerds, I would call him with my geek hologram projector and demand that we lobby to invade Qatar immediately. Don't question it, the people there are middle-eastern. Buddha H. Gautama... if I wanted to fuck a robot, it would be with that foxy maid robot from The Jetsons, but Lord knows that as the good old-fashioned human-on-human-only society that we are, that sure isn't going to happen.

And I'm sure the inventor of the girlfriendbot tested it extensively to verify that it could facilitate his needs. Apparently, it did, but Jesus, next time, program the robot to not look like a transsexual heroin-addict.


-takes a sip of gasoline-

Alright, seeing as how we, as a Brave New World, are insulting intellectually-gifted introverts and building sex machines, I think the time for a Relationship Advice Post is nigh, just to obviate the inevitable mass suicides and post office shootings that are certain to occur once the God-fearing people hear one iota of this shit.

First, you probably want to meet someone special, who is funny, warm, loving, intelligent and makes you happy, AKA attractive, attractive, attractive, attractive and is not a chainsaw-wielding psychopath, although, I should point out respectively that a vast majority of chainsaw-wielding individuals are simply gathering wood that we turn into paper, so we can write notes that say "Remember to walk the dog" because if the fucking dog doesn't get walked, then the gates of Hell will burst open and pour baby-eating demonic spirits into the world of the living, and we just can't have that, can we?

Second, you probably have this idea in your head about what a good relationship is. This notion you've developed purely from poorly-written movies and intense emotional trauma as a child, and possibly the intricate legalistic rules for dating handed down from a golden cloud of morality by an overweight Paster in an expensive suit he bought with money he guilted his congregation into dishing over, is wrong. It's wrong 100% of the time. You probably read Dr. Love's book about relationships, and didn't even realize that Dr. Love's medical license is forged. The man is a quack. Just face it, he duped you.


Guys: You have trouble getting dates, and when you do, they go terribly. I'm not surprised. Girls usually like attractive guys, so if you're not attractive, then you should try that next time. Furthermore, when trying to attract a girl, you should be as wishy-washy as possible. Just be caring and polite at all times, and listen to her problems, especially the ones concerning her current boyfriend(s). This will show her how sensitive and nice you are, and when she finally leaves that misogynist she's fucking every night, there's a tiny chance she could see that you're the one for her, especially if you wish on a Shooting Star. When she falls into your arms, impress her with your encyclopedia-like knowledge of Linux.

Girls: Quit your crying. I didn't forget you. You have abandonment issues after your mom left you at the park and didn't realize you were gone until after your birthday cards came in the mail 3 weeks later, and then discovered that you had been looked-after by raccoons, who had adopted you as their own. But that's behind you now. You just want to find a great guy to plug that hole. In your heart. What you should do is be pissy and bitchy, especially to strangers for no reason. When some unsuspecting schmuck meanders into a relationship with you, you should be a stalker from day one. Call him every single night, and if he doesn't pick up his telly, leave 6,000 voice mails crying about how you have no friends and your life sucks. Try to spend every waking second around him, but the whole time you're with him, bitch about things you hate and criticize him a lot. This will guilt him into being a better boyfriend, which will make your love stronger. Make sure he does not talk to other girls under any circumstances, including his own mother. If he does, tell him he's neglecting you "all the time" and then cry.

There, now you're golden!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

A Desperate Cry For Help By Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales

Let's cut right to the chase. I am asking you donate your money to Wikipedia because you know how many times it's gotten you out of a jam in internet chatrooms when you risked looking like you didn't know what you were talking about. And remember when you copied a paragraph from Wikipedia for a school paper and then changed all the adjectives so your teachers couldn't google your paragraph and find out you cheated?

I need money; lots of it. You have that money. Sure, I'll keep a bit for myself, but I have a non-profit website here, and I refuse advertisements because I don't want telling me what I can have on my damn site, or those retarded ads telling me that I can get ripped if I just follow one simple rule, then showing before and after pictures of some guy with no shirt on who got ripped following one simple rule. Do you know what I think the one simple rule is? Fucking exercise.

Anyhow, I believe in Wikipedia. I believe us. I believe in the power of love. I believe in friendship. That's what makes Wikipedia so great: the countless admins who met through Wikipedia's behind-the-scenes intellectual battlefield to form sexual relationships that eventually developed into romantic relationships. I want that sort of thing to continue.

Wikipedia just continues to get better and better; one person writes something, only to have it deleted by an angry admin, then writes it again a week later, then someone else edits it to change all the adjectives to "fucking" and then the trivia section gets deleted, then the whole article is deleted after the admins decide that Sirlin doesn't deserve his own page, and to be honest, I have to agree with that to a large degree.

We have to protect this sacred process, because it's become a part of us, all of us. [Additional citation need]. I want to keep this site free of advertisements and I certainly would hate to make all you people start paying for this site when I can just write up a stirring and inspirational speech to make you dish over the ca$h that I need to keep this crazy train rolling. Do you know how much money this site costs? Ten million dollars every year. I don't have that money just sitting around my house. If I did, then I would retire and move to Florida. Well, maybe not Florida. I might go to Asia or Europe for awhile though.

Christ, I'm getting sidetracked again.

Imagine a world where every single person in the world has access to the sum of all human knowledge from perspective of young middle-class white males. This can still happen, but you need send me a massive amount of money. Now, I understand some of you can't give much, but a minimum of $10 dollars will entice our staff to pray for your household, to prevent the Lord from sending the usual slew of locusts and mudslides upon your home as punishment.

I think we understand each other.

- Jimmy "The Anal Annihilator" Wales

Fine print: Jimmy Wales did not write any of this and nothing in this should be taken literally or seriously or figuratively or sexually. Please don't sue me.

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