Monday, January 18, 2010

Relationship Advice From An Evil Genius

Congratulations, all you socially-retarded rosacea-plastered comic-book-addicted saxicolous geekzoid milquetoasts from Tatooine. You no longer have to curl in a fetal position in a dark corner, sweating and simultaneously shitting your pants, because The Most Reliable News Network Ever Created has reported that robots for sex have been created, and all this time you've asserted steadfastly that John Hughes wasn't the amazing visionary we all now know that he is.

Now that all my thick and creamy (Now with 5% less Saturated Fat than the leading brands, suck it, Campbell's) and mildly inimical sarcasm is out of the way... what the fuck?

I am so offended, and they didn't even mention my negro dialect. If there were an Al Sharpton of Nerds, I would call him with my geek hologram projector and demand that we lobby to invade Qatar immediately. Don't question it, the people there are middle-eastern. Buddha H. Gautama... if I wanted to fuck a robot, it would be with that foxy maid robot from The Jetsons, but Lord knows that as the good old-fashioned human-on-human-only society that we are, that sure isn't going to happen.

And I'm sure the inventor of the girlfriendbot tested it extensively to verify that it could facilitate his needs. Apparently, it did, but Jesus, next time, program the robot to not look like a transsexual heroin-addict.


-takes a sip of gasoline-

Alright, seeing as how we, as a Brave New World, are insulting intellectually-gifted introverts and building sex machines, I think the time for a Relationship Advice Post is nigh, just to obviate the inevitable mass suicides and post office shootings that are certain to occur once the God-fearing people hear one iota of this shit.

First, you probably want to meet someone special, who is funny, warm, loving, intelligent and makes you happy, AKA attractive, attractive, attractive, attractive and is not a chainsaw-wielding psychopath, although, I should point out respectively that a vast majority of chainsaw-wielding individuals are simply gathering wood that we turn into paper, so we can write notes that say "Remember to walk the dog" because if the fucking dog doesn't get walked, then the gates of Hell will burst open and pour baby-eating demonic spirits into the world of the living, and we just can't have that, can we?

Second, you probably have this idea in your head about what a good relationship is. This notion you've developed purely from poorly-written movies and intense emotional trauma as a child, and possibly the intricate legalistic rules for dating handed down from a golden cloud of morality by an overweight Paster in an expensive suit he bought with money he guilted his congregation into dishing over, is wrong. It's wrong 100% of the time. You probably read Dr. Love's book about relationships, and didn't even realize that Dr. Love's medical license is forged. The man is a quack. Just face it, he duped you.


Guys: You have trouble getting dates, and when you do, they go terribly. I'm not surprised. Girls usually like attractive guys, so if you're not attractive, then you should try that next time. Furthermore, when trying to attract a girl, you should be as wishy-washy as possible. Just be caring and polite at all times, and listen to her problems, especially the ones concerning her current boyfriend(s). This will show her how sensitive and nice you are, and when she finally leaves that misogynist she's fucking every night, there's a tiny chance she could see that you're the one for her, especially if you wish on a Shooting Star. When she falls into your arms, impress her with your encyclopedia-like knowledge of Linux.

Girls: Quit your crying. I didn't forget you. You have abandonment issues after your mom left you at the park and didn't realize you were gone until after your birthday cards came in the mail 3 weeks later, and then discovered that you had been looked-after by raccoons, who had adopted you as their own. But that's behind you now. You just want to find a great guy to plug that hole. In your heart. What you should do is be pissy and bitchy, especially to strangers for no reason. When some unsuspecting schmuck meanders into a relationship with you, you should be a stalker from day one. Call him every single night, and if he doesn't pick up his telly, leave 6,000 voice mails crying about how you have no friends and your life sucks. Try to spend every waking second around him, but the whole time you're with him, bitch about things you hate and criticize him a lot. This will guilt him into being a better boyfriend, which will make your love stronger. Make sure he does not talk to other girls under any circumstances, including his own mother. If he does, tell him he's neglecting you "all the time" and then cry.

There, now you're golden!

1 comment:

calicolyst said...


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