Friday, March 26, 2010

The Shrimp Blogger's Shrimp Blog of Shrimp

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to start blogging about shrimp, and eat them one by one ravenously for the purpose of the dictation of a continuous self-gratifying monologue about the glorious flavors of these shelled little bastards, possibly sponsored by a shrimp farming company because they want some shit to stick on their website, for the purpose of catching the interest of approximately 5 bored housewives who peruse through random webshit to fill their vapidly under-accomplished and sexually vacant existence, but also possibly 1 50-year-old gay fisherman who lives in Maine who quite recently learned of the wonders of the internet, therefore, prompting him to immediately visit and type in "shrimp sex asian hairy naked", which brought up a blog, which chronicled the crustacean-obsessed artist's journey to Thailand in Southeast Asia, to determine the sex of a hairy shrimp, by stripping off it's shell.

That was one sentence.

Day 1: Holy mother of fuck. Today, I saw this shrimp and it was a fine specimen indeed. I showed it to this Asian girl and she thought I was sexy for having caught it and wanted to do it right then and there. I was tempted to take her up on her offer, but unfortunately, I had to blog about this shrimp because it was just so bad-ass. Here's how I caught it: I threw a net into the water, and then it got caught in the net! Voila! Eureka! Detente! I reached in and pulled it out of the net and was all, like, "Holy shit."

Day 2: Sweet Darwin in Hell. Today, I caught more shrimp off the coast of Okinawa. As soon as I saw it, I was like "Yes, this is definitely fucking shrimp." To celebrate, I popped some of the bubbly and poured dranks for the ladies on the boat, because really, what's a fishing boat without fine shorties keeping it fly? The shrimps we caught were grey, and I was all "wtf dawg" but the captain explained to me that shrimp change color to pink/white when... something happens. I don't remember, but you either boil them in hot oil or lava, or you freeze them or something. I wasn't paying attention.

Day 3: Son of a shit pile. Today, I caught even more shrimps off the coast of Spain, which I know is on the other side of the world, but our boat is really really fast. When I saw this catch, this net full of shrimp, I was in awe. I was ready to get on top of that pile of crustaceans and just start fucking it because I loved it so much! All these girls were buying me drinks right after that because they wanted me so bad, because that's how unbelievably sexy this shrimp catch was, and because it was just so boss, the Prime Minister of Japan, along with the Dalai Lama, Dennis Rodman, and that guy who stars in AMC's Madmen landed on my boat in a helicopter and stepped out to congratulate me and give me a trophy. I accepted it, of course.

Day 4: Fuck me sideways and call me Sally. In my search of the perfect prawn, today I got this text message from my foe, and he told me about the new Shrimp Taco at Taco Bell. At the moment, I was helping an elderly Vietnamese woman carry a large basket of rare fresh-pond shrimp up a trail of jagged rocks, but when I got the text message, I just dropped the basket and ran off. I mean, fuck that shit. This is the fucking Shrimp Taco. As soon as I got to Taco Bell, I asked for Denise, because she always gives me these secret inside deals that only Heads of State and Billionaires get, and I ordered the Shrimp Taco. As soon as I tasted it, I was like "Should I blog about this? Or should I keep this shit all to myself?" But I gave in to reason and now am blogging it. When I sank my teeth into it, it was like King Midas punted me in the crotch, which would immediately turn me into gold, according to ancient Greek lore. It was delicious. Too bad Leviticus 11:9-12 damns me to eternal hellfire for Taco Bell's latest product, but at least they didn't introduce a Gay Taco. Putting that meat/sour cream into your mouth would cause a person to just burst directly into flames.

Also, as soon as I ate the Shrimp Taco, I had sex with a Swedish Model, which I'm sure wasn't a coincidence. Thanks, Taco Bell.

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