The Shrimp Blogger's Shrimp Blog of Shrimp

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to start blogging about shrimp, and eat them one by one ravenously for the purpose of the dictation of a continuous self-gratifying monologue about the glorious flavors of these shelled little bastards, possibly sponsored by a shrimp farming company because they want some shit to stick on their website, for the purpose of catching the interest of approximately 5 bored housewives who peruse through random webshit to fill their vapidly under-accomplished and sexually vacant existence, but also possibly 1 50-year-old gay fisherman who lives in Maine who quite recently learned of the wonders of the internet, therefore, prompting him to immediately visit google.com and type in "shrimp sex asian hairy naked", which brought up a blog, which chronicled the crustacean-obsessed artist's journey to Thailand in Southeast Asia, to determine the sex of a hairy shrimp, by stripping off it's shell.

That was one sentence.

Day 1: Holy mother of fuck. Today, I saw this shrimp and it was a fine specimen indeed. I showed it to this Asian girl and she thought I was sexy for having caught it and wanted to do it right then and there. I was tempted to take her up on her offer, but unfortunately, I had to blog about this shrimp because it was just so bad-ass. Here's how I caught it: I threw a net into the water, and then it got caught in the net! Voila! Eureka! Detente! I reached in and pulled it out of the net and was all, like, "Holy shit."


Day 2: Sweet Darwin in Hell. Today, I caught more shrimp off the coast of Okinawa. As soon as I saw it, I was like "Yes, this is definitely fucking shrimp." To celebrate, I popped some of the bubbly and poured dranks for the ladies on the boat, because really, what's a fishing boat without fine shorties keeping it fly? The shrimps we caught were grey, and I was all "wtf dawg" but the captain explained to me that shrimp change color to pink/white when... something happens. I don't remember, but you either boil them in hot oil or lava, or you freeze them or something. I wasn't paying attention.


Day 3: Son of a shit pile. Today, I caught even more shrimps off the coast of Spain, which I know is on the other side of the world, but our boat is really really fast. When I saw this catch, this net full of shrimp, I was in awe. I was ready to get on top of that pile of crustaceans and just start fucking it because I loved it so much! All these girls were buying me drinks right after that because they wanted me so bad, because that's how unbelievably sexy this shrimp catch was, and because it was just so boss, the Prime Minister of Japan, along with the Dalai Lama, Dennis Rodman, and that guy who stars in AMC's Madmen landed on my boat in a helicopter and stepped out to congratulate me and give me a trophy. I accepted it, of course.


Day 4: Fuck me sideways and call me Sally. In my search of the perfect prawn, today I got this text message from my foe, and he told me about the new Shrimp Taco at Taco Bell. At the moment, I was helping an elderly Vietnamese woman carry a large basket of rare fresh-pond shrimp up a trail of jagged rocks, but when I got the text message, I just dropped the basket and ran off. I mean, fuck that shit. This is the fucking Shrimp Taco. As soon as I got to Taco Bell, I asked for Denise, because she always gives me these secret inside deals that only Heads of State and Billionaires get, and I ordered the Shrimp Taco. As soon as I tasted it, I was like "Should I blog about this? Or should I keep this shit all to myself?" But I gave in to reason and now am blogging it. When I sank my teeth into it, it was like King Midas punted me in the crotch, which would immediately turn me into gold, according to ancient Greek lore. It was delicious. Too bad Leviticus 11:9-12 damns me to eternal hellfire for Taco Bell's latest product, but at least they didn't introduce a Gay Taco. Putting that meat/sour cream into your mouth would cause a person to just burst directly into flames.

Also, as soon as I ate the Shrimp Taco, I had sex with a Swedish Model, which I'm sure wasn't a coincidence. Thanks, Taco Bell.

Relationship Advice From An Evil Genius

Congratulations, all you socially-retarded rosacea-plastered comic-book-addicted saxicolous geekzoid milquetoasts from Tatooine. You no longer have to curl in a fetal position in a dark corner, sweating and simultaneously shitting your pants, because The Most Reliable News Network Ever Created has reported that robots for sex have been created, and all this time you've asserted steadfastly that John Hughes wasn't the amazing visionary we all now know that he is.

Now that all my thick and creamy (Now with 5% less Saturated Fat than the leading brands, suck it, Campbell's) and mildly inimical sarcasm is out of the way... what the fuck?

I am so offended, and they didn't even mention my negro dialect. If there were an Al Sharpton of Nerds, I would call him with my geek hologram projector and demand that we lobby to invade Qatar immediately. Don't question it, the people there are middle-eastern. Buddha H. Gautama... if I wanted to fuck a robot, it would be with that foxy maid robot from The Jetsons, but Lord knows that as the good old-fashioned human-on-human-only society that we are, that sure isn't going to happen.

And I'm sure the inventor of the girlfriendbot tested it extensively to verify that it could facilitate his needs. Apparently, it did, but Jesus, next time, program the robot to not look like a transsexual heroin-addict.

-sigh-

-takes a sip of gasoline-

Alright, seeing as how we, as a Brave New World, are insulting intellectually-gifted introverts and building sex machines, I think the time for a Relationship Advice Post is nigh, just to obviate the inevitable mass suicides and post office shootings that are certain to occur once the God-fearing people hear one iota of this shit.

First, you probably want to meet someone special, who is funny, warm, loving, intelligent and makes you happy, AKA attractive, attractive, attractive, attractive and is not a chainsaw-wielding psychopath, although, I should point out respectively that a vast majority of chainsaw-wielding individuals are simply gathering wood that we turn into paper, so we can write notes that say "Remember to walk the dog" because if the fucking dog doesn't get walked, then the gates of Hell will burst open and pour baby-eating demonic spirits into the world of the living, and we just can't have that, can we?

Second, you probably have this idea in your head about what a good relationship is. This notion you've developed purely from poorly-written movies and intense emotional trauma as a child, and possibly the intricate legalistic rules for dating handed down from a golden cloud of morality by an overweight Paster in an expensive suit he bought with money he guilted his congregation into dishing over, is wrong. It's wrong 100% of the time. You probably read Dr. Love's book about relationships, and didn't even realize that Dr. Love's medical license is forged. The man is a quack. Just face it, he duped you.

Therefore,

Guys: You have trouble getting dates, and when you do, they go terribly. I'm not surprised. Girls usually like attractive guys, so if you're not attractive, then you should try that next time. Furthermore, when trying to attract a girl, you should be as wishy-washy as possible. Just be caring and polite at all times, and listen to her problems, especially the ones concerning her current boyfriend(s). This will show her how sensitive and nice you are, and when she finally leaves that misogynist she's fucking every night, there's a tiny chance she could see that you're the one for her, especially if you wish on a Shooting Star. When she falls into your arms, impress her with your encyclopedia-like knowledge of Linux.

Girls: Quit your crying. I didn't forget you. You have abandonment issues after your mom left you at the park and didn't realize you were gone until after your birthday cards came in the mail 3 weeks later, and then discovered that you had been looked-after by raccoons, who had adopted you as their own. But that's behind you now. You just want to find a great guy to plug that hole. In your heart. What you should do is be pissy and bitchy, especially to strangers for no reason. When some unsuspecting schmuck meanders into a relationship with you, you should be a stalker from day one. Call him every single night, and if he doesn't pick up his telly, leave 6,000 voice mails crying about how you have no friends and your life sucks. Try to spend every waking second around him, but the whole time you're with him, bitch about things you hate and criticize him a lot. This will guilt him into being a better boyfriend, which will make your love stronger. Make sure he does not talk to other girls under any circumstances, including his own mother. If he does, tell him he's neglecting you "all the time" and then cry.


There, now you're golden!

Holy shit.

Where can I get this!?

Sex.

Alright, since I'm posting about sex in public, I'd better release a disclaimer to warn everyone that this post is unreadable for everyone from my youth group (oh, the nostalgia) who are probably still sheltering themselves from any topics related to human procreation. Which is evil.

WARNING: Porn ahead. Get your Grandma out of the basement right now. I don't care if she has pizza bagels for you. Get her out. Now. Also, if you are a parent, do not let your children read this, or else they will grow up to be drug-dealers. Not just pharmaceutical doctors, I mean illegal drug dealers, like that crazy guy with the dreadlocks, Pablo.

Like I just mentioned above, children must never know anything about sex at any time. I mean, I knew about sex as a kid, and look how I turned out. You don't want this. I don't want this. Let us avoid this. Furthermore, sex is incredibly complicated, and exposing children's simplistic minds to it would cause them to instantaneously perish, because they have the IQ of waffles.

The reason I decided to write about this particular topic is because... wait, I don't have to explain myself to you bitches. Let's just say that this blog is in the midst of it's infancy, so I guess it's a good to take on the taboo subjects early to get them the hell out of the way.

To be honest, I can't imagine why sex is a taboo subject to begin with. I'm almost certain it has to do with religion, what with their vows of celebacy and chastity belts, because supposedly, if one suppresses the human reproductive cycle, they think it makes them stronger spiritually. Actually, what happens is they get all high-and-mighty because they achieved something that is triumphantly accomplished year after year by the Mathletes. With ease.

It's also said that sex sells, so I tried to sell some, and then I was informed that what I was doing was illegal. But in all seriousness, dirt sells. Manure sells. Tofu sells. Twilight sells. But if you say that to anyone who says "Sex sells", they'll get all defensive for no reason, especially if you write them over the internet, but then again, internet people get defensive over everything (maybe because they're not receiving sex?).

When it comes to sex, there are basically two schools of thought:

1. No one should ever have sex, except as a last resort to keep the human race from terminating itself.

2. Everyone should have sex with everything.

Most of the time, these two factions are at each other's throats with knives, and it's becoming increasingly irritating, especially when mindless, propaganda-soaked shills for some political ideology rattle off a chain of mostly-contrived "facts" and childish insults (i.e., "You're wrong and need to shut up, like now", "That's the kind of intelligence I'd expect from someone with the screen name 'ilovespaghetti'", and of course, "I don't know why I bother conversing with someone with an intellect as lowly as yours." because obviously, speaking to someone with a differing viewpoint on an arbitrary subject means you're definitely wayyy too smart to be holding your conversation, and you feel the need to inform all the people who you mistakenly believe to be following your intarweb escapades of justice that you're far too good for the conversation, effectively declaring yourself the winner by default, which is sure to win over so many converts to your oh-so-precious school of thought and GOOD GOD THIS SECTION IN PARENTHESEES IS GETTING RIDICULOUSLY LONG, WHAT THE HELL.) at each other everytime I turn around. Oh sure, I could "just leave", because the path of avoidance is the American Way, and I usually do, except right now I'm "expressing my feelings", so shut up because I don't care about your fucking opinion about sex.

Well, I could drag this post out longer, but instead, I'm gonna go have sex. Bye.

Mecha: A Giant Robot Is Destroying Tokyo

hihi! ^_^

My name is Yuko! ^^

I from Tokyo! ^^

Smiles are happy! ^_^

I like Hello Kitty, Rice and American Movie! ^^

Run! Godzilla! ^____________________^

I no like yelled at. -____-"

bye bye! ^_^

Now, some of you inevitably will be thrown into a frenzy of confusion upon reading this post and wonder what the hell is going on. Maybe you didn't read the title of my blog properly. It doesn't say "The Most Coherent Blog Ever Written". And you think I'm on drugs!? YOU'RE ON DRUGS!

And you were adopted.