Thursday, October 15, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Let's get something straight. I don't hold people (in general) to very high standards. If someone says something like "French fries originated in France." or something equally mentally impecunious, normally, I'll just ignore it. My criteria for interjecting is when their stupidity affects me, i.e., "The bill for your order is 1,496 dollars.", when it's clearly 14.96 and someone didn't learn about decimal points in school, or was attempting to bust out some test-material for their soon-to-crash-and-fucking-burn stand-up comedy career.

I want to talk about something affects me very profoundly every waking moment of my life.

That's right, I'm talking of course about Jon and Kate Plus 8, minus the 8. I can't even begin to explain how Jon's zirconium ear studs affect me when I'm cooking pork bacon and eggs in the morning or am at the grocery store picking out lunch meats. I spend countless sleepless hours thinking to myself "Posh Spice hair? Really?" while musing about Kate's hair. I also was deeply amused by Nancy Grace predaceously tearing into Jon like an enraged Dilophosaurus sinking it's teeth into a Dimetrodon, bitches. I haven't seen a TV host beef with someone that hard since Keith Olbermann started obsessing over Rush Limbaugh like an OCD kid religiously rearranging their bathroom utensils every 1 hour. I would imagine Olbermann wakes up at night sweating from a bizarre nightmare and screaming "LIMMMBAUUUGHHHH!!!!" Then going into his bathroom, and looking at a picture of Limbaugh on his mirror (ala Apollo Creed versus Rocky) and muttering "I'm coming for you, Rush... I'm coming for you..." then popping a shitload of Xanax.

Special Note From The Author: Keith Olbermann probably does drugs. But not as many as Glenn Beck.

As far as I'm concerned, Jon should get a sex change, replacing his genitals with a vagina, because that would be more appropriate. I will even pay for up to half of the operation, and will definitely start a special charity fund to cover the rest. I'll tell people it's for "Breast Cancer Awareness", because as we all know, no one is fucking aware of breast cancer, and are just like furry forest creatures blissfully waltzing through the woods of life, humming delightful little melodies about gathering berries, about to step into the fucking bear trap that is motherfucking goddamn fucking breast cancer. I'd even get a big-name celebrity to endorse the charity, like Nancy Grace or Serena Williams, or fucking Optimus Prime.

Maybe *I* should knock up some poor, unsuspecting woman with 18 babies, who will all emerge at once, and will have their names tattooed on their foreheads, because face it: all babies look exactly alike. After reveling in corpulence, I will place the woman on a strict diet of jellybeans and rum (or whatever it is that makes you skinny. God only knows.) to quickly regain her aesthetic appeal, because no one wants to watch fat bitches on TV, unless they're a weepy middle-aged woman watching the Oxygen! channel. Then I will get a fucking show about how chaotic, hectic and nightmarishly overwhelming my life had become so I can make one million dollars. It'd be great.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Holy shit.

Where can I get this!?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Let's Compare Everything To Hitler!

Hey. Remember Hitler? Here is a picture of him:

The other day, while eating a shark (It was an ironic turn of events), my mind wandered off, not unlike your MS-ridden Lithuanian Great Grandmother, and I was just bemused by how many things were like Hitler: George W Bush, Barack Obama, Environmentalists, School children, French school children, rabbits, et cetera.

I've decided to play a Kevin-Baconesque game, in which I figure out how various obscure things relate to Hitler, and not just any Hitler; I mean the Hitler.

Baked Beans: These cause gas, and Hitler did a lot of gassing, so Baked Beans are Hitler.

Crest Toothpaste: This is placed on toothbrushes, which are like Hitler's mustache, and therefore, Crest is like Hitler.

Michael Jackson: He wore military uniforms constantly, much like Hitler. His sexuality was also in question because he couldn't commit to a woman, and he seemed preoccupied with his career, but possibly also his delusional fantasies stemming from his experiences as a child. Also, much like Hitler, he had an abusive father. Coincidence? There are no coincidences, just watch Glenn Beck's show.

Suzy Orman: Her name has almost all the letters required to spell "nazi". Sounds like Hitler to me.

Volkswagon: German car company.

The Surface of Jupiter: This planet's surface is obvious Nazi territory, seeing as how the gravity is torturously crushing, much like a concentration camp, and the air is made of toxic gas.

Verizon Wireless: You know how their commercials say "America's Largest Wireless Network"? Obvious propaganda; calling their network superior to all networks, like a 'master network', and therefore dubs all other wireless networks as inferior. Sieg heil.

Natasha Bedingfield: I'll get back to you on this one when I figure something out.

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