Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Recognize The Loser Within!

Motivational Speakers are everywhere, in hotel conference rooms, in our water, in our schools corrupting our children, and on radio shows, telling us to purchase their books, tapes and t-shirts. The only way I would ever buy that shit is if I were on a plane where a disoriented albatross flew into one of the jet engines, causing it to spiral downwards into the jungles of Haiti, where, in order to escape the clutches of the cannibalistic tribesmen, I had to have a curse placed on me that would cause my arms to turn to evil, causing them to give my credit card number to Tony Robbins.

If there were a demotivational speaker, I would take that occupation, and make it my own. I would take the stage in that strange-smelling hotel conference room, walk up to the microphone, and commence the following monologue:

"A good friend of mine once told me 'Just give up. Everything you try is useless.' right before downing another 40 Oz. He died miserable and unfulfilled. That could be you! Whenever I do these seminars, I come with the belief that none of you can make it; that there is a loser in every one of you. All of you sycophantic, impossibly inept peons being herded like sheep to the slaughter, I have an uninspiring message that you will hear today, that hopefully, will drive you into habitual alcohol abuse and self-destruction."

I would then show a pie chart that show 0.01% of people being happy with life, and elaborate, quipping "These are your odds of success. Very bleak, I know, and rest assured, you will probably will fall into this red 99.99% area, no matter how smart you are, and no matter how hard you try to succeed. But just think -- you could fall into that 0.01% bracket, and that is where the seeds of human hope are planted, but today, I want to crush that glimmer of hope. Who here has been struck by lightning while finding a ten-dollar bill on the ground simultaneously? No one? None of you? No hands up? Well, that is called 'the Law of Statistics', which states that if the odds are against you, then what you're trying to achieve probably won't come true. Here are some actual stories of real people who tried to make it in life and indubitably failed!"

I would then roll video testimonials of defeated souls and crushed people lamenting their flagrant fall from grace. "So in conclusion," I would say, "Keep dreaming, because that's all you'll ever have."

I would then promptly get the hell out of there.

Page Views