Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Alright, since I'm posting about sex in public, I'd better release a disclaimer to warn everyone that this post is unreadable for everyone from my youth group (oh, the nostalgia) who are probably still sheltering themselves from any topics related to human procreation. Which is evil.

WARNING: Porn ahead. Get your Grandma out of the basement right now. I don't care if she has pizza bagels for you. Get her out. Now. Also, if you are a parent, do not let your children read this, or else they will grow up to be drug-dealers. Not just pharmaceutical doctors, I mean illegal drug dealers, like that crazy guy with the dreadlocks, Pablo.

Like I just mentioned above, children must never know anything about sex at any time. I mean, I knew about sex as a kid, and look how I turned out. You don't want this. I don't want this. Let us avoid this. Furthermore, sex is incredibly complicated, and exposing children's simplistic minds to it would cause them to instantaneously perish, because they have the IQ of waffles.

The reason I decided to write about this particular topic is because... wait, I don't have to explain myself to you bitches. Let's just say that this blog is in the midst of it's infancy, so I guess it's a good to take on the taboo subjects early to get them the hell out of the way.

To be honest, I can't imagine why sex is a taboo subject to begin with. I'm almost certain it has to do with religion, what with their vows of celebacy and chastity belts, because supposedly, if one suppresses the human reproductive cycle, they think it makes them stronger spiritually. Actually, what happens is they get all high-and-mighty because they achieved something that is triumphantly accomplished year after year by the Mathletes. With ease.

It's also said that sex sells, so I tried to sell some, and then I was informed that what I was doing was illegal. But in all seriousness, dirt sells. Manure sells. Tofu sells. Twilight sells. But if you say that to anyone who says "Sex sells", they'll get all defensive for no reason, especially if you write them over the internet, but then again, internet people get defensive over everything (maybe because they're not receiving sex?).

When it comes to sex, there are basically two schools of thought:

1. No one should ever have sex, except as a last resort to keep the human race from terminating itself.

2. Everyone should have sex with everything.

Most of the time, these two factions are at each other's throats with knives, and it's becoming increasingly irritating, especially when mindless, propaganda-soaked shills for some political ideology rattle off a chain of mostly-contrived "facts" and childish insults (i.e., "You're wrong and need to shut up, like now", "That's the kind of intelligence I'd expect from someone with the screen name 'ilovespaghetti'", and of course, "I don't know why I bother conversing with someone with an intellect as lowly as yours." because obviously, speaking to someone with a differing viewpoint on an arbitrary subject means you're definitely wayyy too smart to be holding your conversation, and you feel the need to inform all the people who you mistakenly believe to be following your intarweb escapades of justice that you're far too good for the conversation, effectively declaring yourself the winner by default, which is sure to win over so many converts to your oh-so-precious school of thought and GOOD GOD THIS SECTION IN PARENTHESEES IS GETTING RIDICULOUSLY LONG, WHAT THE HELL.) at each other everytime I turn around. Oh sure, I could "just leave", because the path of avoidance is the American Way, and I usually do, except right now I'm "expressing my feelings", so shut up because I don't care about your fucking opinion about sex.

Well, I could drag this post out longer, but instead, I'm gonna go have sex. Bye.


calicolyst said...

The 90s just called me and said they want their "mouse" jokes back.

Wonder Man said...

interesting post... sex don't sell, but lust does

Katy said...

Can you buy me some and ship it over please? I'm English and it's raining. I'm sure you understand.

Steve Morozumi said...

porn makes some serious cash. i think it has to do with sex, doesn't it? wait, can you tell me what sex is?

oh shucks chuck, i gotta run, the math club is having a special meeting with the chess club! oh shucky darns!

-Steve @ fluxlife

Moose said...

I am not shamelessly advertising. Oh no, not me.

Adam said...

i was having sex while i was reading this. fun.

Bruce said...

Pizza Bagels fucking RULE.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, let's just say through urbandictionary.com and friends I've learned some sexual things that I really wish I'd never heard before (search "sneezing webster" if you don't mind having your head explode.)

Miss Whorecake said...

Your next post should actually be about sex in public because... it said it was going to be about sex in public and I got excited.

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