Thursday, March 5, 2009

Taking the Economy to the Vet to Get It Fixed.

I know everyone loves when I write about fluffly poppy topics like Sex, Celebrities, Relationship Advice and Intergalactic Fucking, but in these tough economic times, I have to conserve that shit. We just have to wait for President Obama to use his Obama-magic to spend more capital than what is allowed for in their entire budget in the space of 2 months, as this supposedly will create four trillion jobs.

I'm sick of hearing about "the economy", and how it is failing and horrible. People are freaking out about this like it just started raining axes. What frustrates me is that the solution is fucking obvious and I'm perplexed as to why no one has thought of this to alleviate the problem. You see, I have this theory that 9 out 10 economist are lemming-like dunces from Planet Stupid. So, all the government needs to do is appoint some old, Caucasian male in an Italian suit to be appointed to an imaginary position of financial power, then have him appear on all outlets of media, issuing a proclaimation that the Economy Was Fixed. "Don't worry." He'd say, "We took care of it this afternoon. The economy is now fixed." and would explain shitload of financial diagrams and charts illuminating the newly-fixed economy.

Once the economy is declared fixed, investors will go "Yipee", and blindly pour tons of money into the stock market, which will cause companies to profit immensely, and they will soak up all the unemployed workers like a giant metaphorical hypothetical mop soaking up a massive pile of vomit. Once again, it'll be the American Dream for all the middle-class white families, and magic rainbows of joy will penetrate the clouds like a hooker in a coma, and white bunnies will prance in the streets freely and gleefully once more until there is a nuclear war or something.

Then all our media outlets would spontaneously combust, because our star cruisers can't repel firepower of that magnitude.


calicolyst said...

I'm a genius.

Steve Morozumi said...

uhhhh... actually, i think you've got the solution there... holy crap! YOU ARE a f^@%ing genius!

the Italian suit makes great fashion sense. that, or whatever the wall street boys and girls want to see.

we've been losing lots of money due to "The Great Psych Out!" it's time to get "Psyched Up" by Mr. Italian suit man! hahaha!

-Steve @ fluxlife

Ath'daraxen said...

This world is retarded, if we were such, intelligent creatures, you'd think we would have found a better system that isn't exactly like a damn kid on Ritalin and sugar pills.

Bruce said...

I was with you 100%... up until the "fixed" part.

No one would buy into that no matter how white the guy or how Italian the suit.

If Mr. Suit came on and said, "The economy is now stimulated by an historic approval of a bailout package," we'd be back in business.

Adam said...

like the guiness commercials state.....BRILLIANT!

rob k said...

China's on the rise
Invest in the asian porn market
then be labled a racist due to a misunderstood conversation about slits

The Blue Badger said...

Well, I think this plan would work. I don't know much about the economy, but I do know that for the most part, Americans (myself included) aren't uber bright, so we'd probably buy into it. Sounds good to me.

Page Views