I know everyone loves when I write about fluffly poppy topics like Sex, Celebrities, Relationship Advice and Intergalactic Fucking, but in these tough economic times, I have to conserve that shit. We just have to wait for President Obama to use his Obama-magic to spend more capital than what is allowed for in their entire budget in the space of 2 months, as this supposedly will create four trillion jobs.
I'm sick of hearing about "the economy", and how it is failing and horrible. People are freaking out about this like it just started raining axes. What frustrates me is that the solution is fucking obvious and I'm perplexed as to why no one has thought of this to alleviate the problem. You see, I have this theory that 9 out 10 economist are lemming-like dunces from Planet Stupid. So, all the government needs to do is appoint some old, Caucasian male in an Italian suit to be appointed to an imaginary position of financial power, then have him appear on all outlets of media, issuing a proclaimation that the Economy Was Fixed. "Don't worry." He'd say, "We took care of it this afternoon. The economy is now fixed." and would explain shitload of financial diagrams and charts illuminating the newly-fixed economy.
Once the economy is declared fixed, investors will go "Yipee", and blindly pour tons of money into the stock market, which will cause companies to profit immensely, and they will soak up all the unemployed workers like a giant metaphorical hypothetical mop soaking up a massive pile of vomit. Once again, it'll be the American Dream for all the middle-class white families, and magic rainbows of joy will penetrate the clouds like a hooker in a coma, and white bunnies will prance in the streets freely and gleefully once more until there is a nuclear war or something.
Then all our media outlets would spontaneously combust, because our star cruisers can't repel firepower of that magnitude.