Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Twitter is a wonderful website sent from Heaven.

I jest. Twitter, in actuality, is the latest installment in an epic series of secret government attempts to round all the stupid twits on the internet into one place. Who knows why. Whatever the case may be, Twitter is just another mass-appeal garbage site that self-important intarweb noobs flock to, as they are easily impressed by precocious but insistently banal novelties that stress the fact that they "connect you with your friends".

Predictably, tens millions of people will be using Twitter pretty soon, and I will be asked if I have one. I will simply take a deep breath, and politely reply to their stupidity by saying "Of course not, you fucking idiot."

Next, 9 out of 10 people I talk to will tell me they have Twitter accounts just for the irony of it all. If Irony was a commodity one could purchase, I would highly recommend taking all your capital out of your vagina, and putting it into the Irony Market, because there is a boom coming that not even Jim Kramer could predict, even though I'm surprised he can even function half the time without falling over and screaming "The demons from Jupiter are in my head and are having sex with my brain!!!"

The next phase will be Teenaged Girls getting Twitter accounts. Explicit amounts of shittery and cliche modes of behavior will fly like feces. Just feces. Tons and tons of feces, falling from the skies in an apocalyptic nightmare of proportions that will warrant the formation of multiple government agencies to deal with the crisis, only to be bogged down in bureaucracy that will cause the usual bickering and Senate floor shankings that have come to characterize the hostile atmosphere in Washington. Fuck, I took that metaphor wayyy too far. Oh well. You'll live. Anyhow, Teenaged Girls will post the usual "I love himmm x3" bullshit, as well as "I'm bored right now", "I'm confused about things", "I'm at the punk rock show", "Me and Kimberley are hanging out!", and of course, "I'm listening to Blue Cantrell songs. I'm so hardcore." Oh well. I'll live. I'm pretty sure it's medically impossible for these things to cause major enough brain damage to incapacitate me long enough to prevent me from escaping through an air duct. The next phase, obviously, is for Celebrities to get Twitter accounts. Because we all want to know what the fuck Cameron Diaz is doing this very instant. Finally, a barbaric horde of obtuse smart-asses will begin making accounts for the purpose of saying crazy things, such as "I am currently battling a spy with nunchucks, and we both just jumped out of a plane without parachutes and are fighting in mid-air as we hurdle towards the ground at untold speeds. This looks bad." and these will be funny for approximately 7 minutes, then will revert to being the most fucking stupid shit in the entire world, and I mean even stupider than The Hills, a paradox which could cause the universe to covert all of it's matter into orange juice, or some kaledoscopic blend of idiotic non-scientific assumptions that make absolutely no sense, but are awarded merit because the public's paranoia that Science Will Destroy Us All.

And it will. That's why we have Twitter.

7 comments:

calicolyst said...

They need to make anti-social networks.

The Blue Badger said...

Yes, they do. You need more people who are in charge of the world to read your bl0g. I think you're smarter than they are.

subrosa said...

I thought Twitter was an anti-social site as I don't see what's social about it. Mind you, it was handy last week when I needed urgent help with a piece of Mac software. Saved me a few pounds on the help line.

Moose said...

Some celebs already have Twitter, and I guess it's cool for fans who want to try to connect with their idols or whatever they are to them, you know? I don't have a Twitter account, but . . .

Ath'daraxen said...

I refuse to deal with Twitter, I mean, I don't even like dealing with Myspace, and I'm only on it because its easy to stay in touch with my friends in New York.... :/ Senseless waste of intra space if you ask me. :/

Katy said...

Twitter's quite good for us slightly older folk. Only 140 characters means we have a chance to remember what we want to say before we get to the end of the... err...

Sm2 said...

"Whatever the case may be, Twitter is just another mass-appeal garbage site that self-important intarweb noobs flock to, as they are easily impressed by precocious but insistently banal novelties that stress the fact that they "connect you with your friends"."

Ironically, you just described Blogger.

Page Views