Saturday, April 4, 2009

You whores. YOU WHORES.

"How come you have to be such an asshole?" is a question I'm often asked by females who are in tears.

I could serve up a full-blown psychological break-down of my consciousness with a side of beans and rice, but I'm going to avoid the issue and be positive. I believe life is all about balance or some shit, so this post will bring some much-needed Yin to my blog's Yang, (fulfilling my daily recommended dosage of required pseudo-spiritual new-age birdshit!) and kills two birds with one chainsaw.

Have you ever tried to kill a bird with chainsaw? It's surprisingly difficult.

A person from another blog emailed me and asked me to write about "something I liked". He mentioned that he liked Quest, breakdance/trick crew started by that insufferable tool Steve Terada, and when he watched their exhibition of flippy shit on MTV, he successfully resisted the urge to take his friend's head and put it through the screen. His words, not mine. Such violent thoughts... he should see a fucking shrink (They love being called Shrinks) to "sort out his feelings", which always leads to the patient realizing it's all their parents fault.

And it is, fucking parents.

So, I dedicate this post to the hos, bitches and whores. I hear it's hard out there for a pimp, which is precisely why I avoided the occupation as a viable career choice. I don't like hard work; I'd rather bitch, and throw slushies at old people. I was once engaged in a conversation with some asshole, and he said "Snoop Dogg is a pimp and he does weed. That's why he so skinny." as a justification for his fucking comical drug habit. "No." I replied, "The reason Snoop is skinny is because he gets exercise from slapping hos. He slaps a lot of hos." which is true, because there's an visible abundance of hos, and they require a good deal of slapping.

e-Whores are the best whores, in my laughably non-professional opinion. Damn it, why won't you just respect my opinion!? You fucking suck. Anyway, e-Whores are an excellent source of material to target in the laser-guided crosshairs of my futuristic deathrays of literary aggression of death of doom.

That's the same reason I love Twilight. Everything about the movie screams "regurgitated diarrhea", for various reasons I will repeat every time a new Twilight movie is released. It's fans are overdramatic and easily riled into a endlessly entertaining rage at any assertion of flaws in their fantasy dimension of faux-romance and pussy vampires, utterly disregarding that any debate in favor of the series instantly grips their credibility in death throes, because... I don't know, maybe they just fail as human beings and it's blatantly reflected in their interests. These are the same dykes that enjoyed My Chemical Romance, mind you, and possibly also The Nightmare Before Christmas, and I could write an entire post about why Tim Burton needs to fling himself off a skyscraper, but I won't because I'm just too fuckin' nice.

Coincidentally, the primary demographic Twilight appeals to is the lucrative Whore Demographic, but also to middle-aged mothers, because movies about high schoolers fucking vampires gets them wet. Don't ask me why. I don't have all the answers. The capital of Albania is Tirana. The speed of light in a vacuum is 186,000 miles per second. The treaty of Versailles was signed in 1919. Bitches ain't shit. Those are all things I know to be true in my heart, but the nauseatingly creepy obsession with Twilight by the middle-aged women perplexes me. Then again, they're probably bored with normality and cleanliness (That's what they do, right? Well, besides cooking...) so they probably are just acting on a compulsion to get into something the opposite: something abnormal, and covered in shit.

Well, that didn't turn out very positive at all.

Sue me.


calicolyst said...

...and I wonder why no one emails me anymore...

Mia said...

Versaille was signed in 1919, light travels at 186K MPS

Ath'daraxen said...

I've read the books, I've watched the movie. It wasn't a bad book, but the trillions of fans scare me to hell and back. WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE GET SO WORKED UP OVER A BOOK!!!! Its not even real... :/

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