Friday, April 3, 2009

The book WAS better, but unfortunately, our nation is borderline illiterate

Attention hos: If you read comic books, and love them dearly, then is going to piss you off. A lot. "Why the insistent belligerence?" you ask? Because, look at that fucky orange "B" in the corner. It's my blawg, mongoloids.

Recently, The Watchmen was transmogrified into movie-form by Hollywood, a town so dolt-filled, they have to have giant letters so it's inhabitants won't suddenly be gripped with terror and confusion upon forgetting where they are. GPS cannot help those asshats, and that should tell you right away that anything they produce as a product is going to be more faulty than various East-Asian vehicles. Furthermore, if the phrase "produce as a product" seems redundant to you, it's because you're a fucktard. Burn.

My point is that your snotty high expectations of quality are laughably unrealistic, as no film will ever be made that "follows the book", for several reasons, but the main ones are:

- You can't put all the musings of the characters into a movie without having a narrator, such as Morgan Freeman.
- It takes 8 hours to read a novel. Imagine if there was a movie that was 8 hours long. Imagine it. Right now.
- Producers like to put inaccuracies in their films just to miff you personally. Your suffering brings them joy.

Life is disappointing. Get over it. Besides, as well as The Watchmen was written, the premise is inarguably ridiculous, as an obvious "adult version" of "The Justice League", which is an unholy cross-over conglomeration of characters from alternate realities brough together just for the hell it all.

I guess the reason for the Justice League started with the eternal question "What if Aquaman and Superman met and fought each other. Who would win?" Of course, it's pretty clear that a super-fast alien with the ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes would have a decisive advantage, with all those factors culminating in an inevitable victory over Aquaman, the illegitimate child of wasted comic book writers and failure. In spite of this, self-loathing Aquaman fans who cling to his fictional ability to "summon creatures of the sea" to cope with their copius lack of copulation, attempt to bring up some bullshit argument that Aquaman could kill Superman with "kryptonite", an overly-abundant cheat-code-weapon that is surprisingly easy to obtain massive quantities of in the Superman universe. Therefore, both fans argue until both of them shit their pants several times because leaving the room is equal to defeat.

The obvious thing to do is to write to Marvel or DC Comics or whoever the hell is making this stuff up, and asking them to make a "Superman vs. Aquaman" issue to answer the pressing question, and of course, because the Comic Book Shitheads are sell-out pussies with fewer balls than Lance Armstrong, they decided that if Superman and Aquaman ever met, they'd work together, as a way to not anger either fanbase.

Hence, Justice League.

So, a concept that was originally developed to keep pizza-faced motherfuckers from decapitating each other with Bat'leths, was taken and made into an "adult version" with The Watchmen, a league of Superheroes that say 'fuck', 'shit', 'bitches', 'goddamnit', and make crude sexual references. The Comedian even tried to rape Slut-Girl, a callous act of villainy that came as a shock to no one, considering that male Superheroes rarely get laid, and that Slut-Girl's power was to be the greatest slut in the universe. That may be slightly inaccurate, like saying that Dr. Blue Bitch's power is to wave his glowing blue cock in front of the cameras until he decided wasn't obnoxious enough, necessitating his self-cloning so that there could be TWO glowing blue cocks on screen. Oh, hold on a second. That's not inaccurate at all.

So, when the latest round of cliche Superhero cinema was released, the massive, nation-wide pant-shittery that occurred due to "inaccuracies" in a story that was already intellectually insulting to me, considering part of Dr. Blue Fuck's back story is that he almost single-handedly won the Vietnam War (And his powers basically make him God. Not even kidding. Yet, the fuckin' Viet Cong was too much for him and his pal Rambo.) and invented the Electric Car, which replaced the Gas-Car, I was forced to torch massive numbers of furry woodland creatures with a flamethrower just to vent my frustration, because rolling my eyes is just soooooo '90s. It's like the author's legions of dick-riding fudgepacking fans expected the movie to start, and for it to display a copy of The Watchmen on the screen. A hand would then appear, which would turn the pages periodically. Much to their audible dismay due to the shit flying out of their anuses, like we discussed earlier, the movie version was filled with infuriating elements, such as: explosions, special effects, and fight scenes.

You went to go see a movie. You got one. Next time you want to read a book, go to the fucking library.

Calicolyst out. Have a nice day.


Green Grass of Tunnel said...

Kudos on using "fucky" and "mongoloid" in the same paragraph, you fucky mongoloid. I mean that lovingly.

Brian Elliott said...

Watchmen = Moby Dick

Your mind = Destroyed

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