Tuesday, February 3, 2009
If I was a parent, and I hated my kids, I'd take them to see Disney's Space Buddies. I'm talking about those fucking vindictive bitter parents who resent the fact that they've born offspring and are required by law to raise them; they'd get their vengeance and secret pleasure out of making their kids sit through a soul-damning 90 minutes that is Space Buddies. Now, mind you, I have not seen Space Buddies, but I am fully confident that if I were to watch it, my eyeballs would explode and my bones would melt, as it is destined to join Son of The Mask, Howard The Duck and Spiderman 3 as The Worst Movies Ever.
Oh, and Spiderman 3 was awful, too. Just admit it. When Peter started doing pelvic thrusts, the movie should've just ended right there.
But let's get back to how much I hate Space Buddies. Everyone involved in the process of making this movie needs to be kicked in the vagina, because there is no way they could possibly have balls. This includes the production crew, the children voice actors, and all the television shows that allowed themselves to be sponsored by this movie. That's how much it sucks.
This literally happened:
Executive: You have 60 seconds to come up with a children's movie. If you don't, you will be thrown to the leopards. The clock starts now.
Writer #1: Okay, okay... what do all kids love? Puppies.
Writer #2: And spaceships.
Writer #3: We could combine the two and put the puppies in the spaceships.
Writer #1: And we could make them talk!
Writer #2: What would they say?
Writer #1: We'll just use every cliche joke in the book to fill all the dialogue.
Executive: Time's up. What do you have?
Writer #1: It's a movie with talking puppies flying Spaceships. Think "Air Bud" meets "Star Trek".
Executive: I love it when two movies are combined to create the false illusion that we made a new movie. I mean, I hate original ideas. They aren't proven to sell. Holy shit, I'm having an orgasm in my pants right this instant!!!
Writer #1: Huzzah!!!!!!!!!
AND THEN GOD ENDED THE WORLD BECAUSE HE JUST COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. THE END.
Well, that's what I wish happened.
I give Space Buddies -23 stars out of 5 and I also give it the middle finger with both hands.
Written by calicolyst at 11:56 PM