Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Humanity Has Fallen; The Most Worthless Movie Ever

If I was a parent, and I hated my kids, I'd take them to see Disney's Space Buddies. I'm talking about those fucking vindictive bitter parents who resent the fact that they've born offspring and are required by law to raise them; they'd get their vengeance and secret pleasure out of making their kids sit through a soul-damning 90 minutes that is Space Buddies. Now, mind you, I have not seen Space Buddies, but I am fully confident that if I were to watch it, my eyeballs would explode and my bones would melt, as it is destined to join Son of The Mask, Howard The Duck and Spiderman 3 as The Worst Movies Ever.

Oh, and Spiderman 3 was awful, too. Just admit it. When Peter started doing pelvic thrusts, the movie should've just ended right there.

But let's get back to how much I hate Space Buddies. Everyone involved in the process of making this movie needs to be kicked in the vagina, because there is no way they could possibly have balls. This includes the production crew, the children voice actors, and all the television shows that allowed themselves to be sponsored by this movie. That's how much it sucks.

This literally happened:

Executive: You have 60 seconds to come up with a children's movie. If you don't, you will be thrown to the leopards. The clock starts now.

Writer #1: Okay, okay... what do all kids love? Puppies.

Writer #2: And spaceships.

Writer #3: We could combine the two and put the puppies in the spaceships.

Writer #1: And we could make them talk!

Writer #2: What would they say?

Writer #1: We'll just use every cliche joke in the book to fill all the dialogue.

Executive: Time's up. What do you have?

Writer #1: It's a movie with talking puppies flying Spaceships. Think "Air Bud" meets "Star Trek".

Executive: I love it when two movies are combined to create the false illusion that we made a new movie. I mean, I hate original ideas. They aren't proven to sell. Holy shit, I'm having an orgasm in my pants right this instant!!!

Writer #1: Huzzah!!!!!!!!!


Well, that's what I wish happened.

I give Space Buddies -23 stars out of 5 and I also give it the middle finger with both hands.


Adam said...

i loved howard the duck.

although the movie wasn't very good, it is a classic 80's movie!

Wonder Man said...

Howard was good

subrosa said...

I won't ask if you would recommend it then.

alana said...

You’ve sullied Star Trek just by mentioning it in the same sentence as Air Bud.

You should be ashamed! :)

Steve Morozumi said...

i don't think kids love dogs enough to sit through a movie that has a high propensity to cause them to vomit repeatedly. this movie should bomb. and if it doesn't, it just goes to show that human evolution has hit yet another black hole in the road.

-Steve @ fluxlife

Ashley said...

Ugh, my sister is 9, and wants to see that movie, and I cannot stand the "buddy" movies. I think it all started when I was 8 or something, with Air Bud, and I hated them then.
I just don't understand America's fascination with puppies, sure their cute, and cuddly or whatever, but they aren't that great.

PinkPanthress said...

Thank God I never watch TV or go to the Cinemas!!!

Irina Csapo said...

ahahah. i just discovered your blog.
frikin' funny. :))

lyptis said...

Speaking of 'kicking people in the vagina' coz they dont have balls, ull notice that most people in the film industry are in fact men, so they shud be endowed with some kind of 'balls' one way or the other!

Other then that, funny post!

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