Monday, February 2, 2009
Hey, "friends". Are you ready to embark on a life journey that could potentially get you killed? If you're all "Yes." then please, read on.
Everyday, I pick up the newspaper and throw it in the trash. Then I go on the internet and read the news, and hear about all these couples who divorce each other. That's because love is dead. I, being a bastion of romance, am deeply disturbed by this trend, but I should point out that most trends in general disturb me, especially blogging.
The other day, I was talking to this girl who smelled like sourdough bread, and the whole time, I could not stop thinking about how much she just smelled like sourdough bread. Finally, I just stood up and said "The olfactory sensory equipment of yours truly art overwhelmed by the stench you emit." and I decided right then that I NEEDED TO SCORE A NINJA GIRL.
Tired of boring dates that don't involve the possibility of dismemberment?
Does your cat not respect you?
Do you feel the need to lie during dates and insinuate that you're affiliated with the Triads?
Then you happen to be in luck.
On my new DVD, "How To Score a Ninja Girl", you will learn the following:
- How to score a ninja girl.
- What the hell a ninja girl even is.
- How to survive ninja sex while minimizing the damage to your body.
- How to break a man's arm just by looking at him.
- Seven separate theories explaining where the moth-man came from.
Here are some testimonials:
"After I watched this DVD, I bought a condo for no money down and started a real estate business, and now I make an average of 60 grand a month and... wait... this isn't the PowerPurchase commercial? What the fuck?" - Dave from Miami, TX
"Hoshit! I just scored a ninja girl!" - Bill from Portland, LA
"Stop e-mailing me. I'm not going to do a fucking testimonial and if you contact me again, I will call the cops." - Fred from Phoenix, ND
"That DVD was awesome, like if Jet Li was a centaur!" - Gerald from Chicago, GA
Call 1-555-ninjagal right now to order. Only 9 easy payments of 99.95!
But wait, order in the next 5 seconds, and WE'LL THROW IN A SET OF REALLY, REALLY SHARP KNIVES FOR FUCKING FREE. THIS IS THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY, AND TO PROVE IT, I'M TYPING THIS IN ALL CAPS.
Warning: This product doesn't exist. If you've read up to this point and believe it does, you're an idiot. Never use the internet again. everything is fiction.