Last night, I was thinking (an old hobby of mine, which I always recommend people try at least once) and decided single girls are way cooler than girls in relationships. It's now a Scientific Fact, whereas before, it was merely theoretical, what with the obvious perk that single girls have hookupability points. If you don't know what that word is, don't even try and look it up, because it's not real, and I'm not going to explain what it means, and if you don't know what it means, then you're too stupid to ride this rollercoaster.
Anyhow, there is an unspoken code amongst men (or "bros", as certain guys like to be called, out of sheer desperation to affirm their masculinity) that a guy shouldn't steal another guy's girl. I've decided that I don't care about this rule for several reasons, with the main reason being that 'life is too short' or some shit. If Karma decides that because of my actions, that in turn, some guy steals MY girl, then that will be it; I will then boycott Karma forever, even if Karma writes me a formal letter of apology, which I will drench in bacon grease and feed to my dog.
Special word from the author: "Karma" would make a great stripper/pornstar name.
According to the above paragraph, my renegade free-lance rebel attitude essentially makes all girls fair game for the taking. So why do I think single girls are cooler?
Because, I actually make friends with girls. I'm not rich or hot enough to sleep with them all even if that was my intention. Also, friendship is something sissies like me value, so fuck all you fuckers. I know, in a perfect world, when a man and a woman meet, they'd immediately have sex in the streets, and the crowds around them would cheer them on, but since we don't live in a perfect world, I will settle for the dreaded friend zone, because there's nothing worse than having a funny, witty conversation with a girl.
Here's why I like single girls better: they actually have shit to talk about. Girls who are taken want to talk about their boyfriend. I hate their boyfriend. I don't care about how wonderful he is. I don't ever want to hear some stupid story about stuff you and your boytoy did together. As you can imagine, this is bad when my gal pals hook up. When they tell me about the hook-up, I always make the mistake of saying "Tell me about it." because the story is always the same bullshit, where some asshole says something sweet to them and then asks them out and they say yes and then talk on the phone all night. Then I say "I'm happy for you." but in reality, I want to ram a unicorn horn through the guy's chestplate.
After that, the girl spends all her time with the boy and then it's pretty much over. I occasionally say hi to her from time to time, and ask her how she's doing. She mentions that she's doing good, but that she's worried about her boyfriend (this always happens). Eventually, I delete her from my Myspace page, but then wonder what's happened to her later.
On the other hand, if I went out with a girl, I'd want her to tell everyone how kick-ass I am (which is true), but that still doesn't make me less pissed off when I start getting ignored. I mean, I would want people to think of my girlfriend as this awesome person with a razor wit, and not just some screaming fan-girl who defines herself by who her boyfriend is (even if it's myself).
This post emits high levels of mushiness. If I decide to post this, I better get someone saying "Aw, you're sweet." or I'm going to be royally miffed.