Sunday, February 8, 2009

Worst Blog Ever; The Intertubes Hath Fallen

Dearest Friends and Fellow Bloggers,

For awhile, I've been racking my brain trying to produce a title that would aptly describe my blog to the public (all 3 of you) and most of the ideas I came up would probably get me banned from every search engine ever devised, and would also mostly likely be blatant violations of Blogger's Terms Of Service. So, as you can see, I was forced to go with the one you see currently.

So, allow me to explain the title of my blog more thoroughly:

- There are a lot of blogs. It's a number higher than 7 fucktillion. From what I've seen, most of these people take their blogs very seriously, whereas, I don't.

- Most bloggers update "whenever they feel like it", because they're too lazy to log in and simply type out "Dear Diary, today, I realized I suck, as usual." I, on the other hand, update when my friends IM me demanding that I create blogs. Those curs.

- 95% of bloggers make their blogs white, because white is "professional". Unfortunately for their hilarious notions of professionalism, their pro-status is viciously usurped in the vagina when they misspell various words, writing "Intellegence" and scattering the entirety of their scribblings with atrocious punctuation, unlike myself; my punctuation is perfect.

- Bloggers think their opinion matters. They have this blisteringly misconstrued belief that the universe magically allots gravity to their opinions simply because they feel really, really strongly about them. This, of course, is squid shit. Opinions only matter when other people care about them, and it only matters to those people. I don't think my opinion matters, so I just say preposterous shit. This works well for me, AND IT CAN WORK FOR YOU, TOO!

- My blog is the primary cause of violent crimes. No one is able to control themselves after visiting; the illusion of freedom of choice shattered by the reality that my subliminal messages OWN YOU. If you take all the text in this post and make it backwards or re-arrange it or some shit, IT SAYS "WORSHIP TEH DEVIL!!!!11" I'M NOT KIDDING.

- I'm not a cute girl. This is bad because it makes people less inclined to visit.

- I'm not gay or fat. And I don't dye my hair.

- I hate talking about politics, which is a major blogging past-time. I can't decide which I hate more, the Refucklicans or the Demore-craps. All either of them care about is getting their particular group of assholes elected, and ignorant shills for either party are just making the problem worse, like throwing gasoline on a shark that is gnawing through your torso.

- I don't follow celebrities enough to talk about them. Oh, I know all the big ones and know the following: Angelia Jolie is building an army, Brad Pitt is a cheating bastard, Britney Spears is trailer trash, Paris Hilton is a walking sperm bank, Lil Wayne is the most prolifically god-awful excuse for a musician the world has ever known, and yet, somehow manages to sell records. Beyond that, I don't know, and don't care.

- No one has ever listened to my relationship advice before, therefore, whenever someone asks me what they should do in any relationship crisis, I always reply with "Stab them."

- My blog is the worst one ever made by anyone, and I'm slowly saving up enough money to pay a team of experts (who all have beards and suits), who will certify that my blog is the worst, and this will be on paper and everything. Real fuckin' compressed dead tree pulp, which is the final symbol of the totality of our newly-scribed reality. Confused by this? So am I, but I prayed for the strength to accept things I couldn't understand, and God said "Sure."

Special note from the authour: God did not actually say "Sure."

- My main goal in writing this blog is to help me to gather the resources to build my laser, and then revenge shall be mine. Canada will pay for sending us Celine Dion.


calicolyst said...

In conclusion, I love you all.

AlanDP said...

I still say we should send Hillary Duff to Canada to teach them all a lesson.

Wonder Man said...

we love you too

alana said...

You are something else. :)

I can't fathom why you visit my blog though since it's very much about me whining about politics.

Just testing the nerves? lol

Steve Morozumi said...

i read your blog every time you post, and crack myself in half laughing. your shit is hee-haw-lariously entertaining! so, in my opinion, that's how bad your blog is. because blogs that make me laugh and have fun automatically suck.

-Steve @ fluxlife

Steve... The Master of The Universe said...

Hilarious.. I couldn't have said it better myself.. I write about these things just to prove that people suck and want to read these things... good job... we should be super heroes!

PinkPanthress said...

After reading this I am very glad I only post most of the time, so people can steal my free resources without ever telling me or crediting me... *phew*

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