Facebook Is a Wad of Rabbit Excrement

The sky is always falling. This must be true, because "people" in the "media" have been repeating their prophecies of certain doom for America for as far back as the whole damn thing even existed. "The British are going to burn our towns," they'd say, "and they're going to burn our fields, our crops, then burn the cities, then burn the women and children, and finally, burn themselves to ashes just to make sure absolutely everything hath been scorched. Be warned, fellow countrymen, be warned."

Of course, all the countrymen stocked up on large amounts of water, and averted a flaming death (unfortunately). Today, the British Empire is much like an angry old lady who sits around smoking and watching television. Occasionally, she urinates in her pants, but doesn't really give a shit either way. Therefore, with the threat of Redcoats and/or Russian missiles removed, our beloved media figures have decided to compare our current economic "hardship" to the Great Depression, where monstrous lines of people waited patiently just to get a loaf of moldy bread to bring home to their starving children, who also got laid off from their factory jobs. This pisses me off for several reasons, because if the economy is so bad, then personalized license plates shouldn't exist, nor should self-righteous bumper stickers that inform me that someone's offspring has become an Honor Student, an achievement, which on a cosmic scale, amounts to absolutely dick. Her little shit's Honor Student status doesn't really concern me much when she weaves around me to beat me to the red light. I don't care why she's in such a rush; it's probably something unbelievably stupid.

Every time I turn on the television (Always a mistake. Always.) I have to hear about how bad our economy is. Subsequently, gimmicks are introduced. Rachael Ray tells me how I can cook so that it saves me money, and I begrudgingly decide that, despite my hatred for saving money, I will accept the reality of these ground-breakingly "new" recipes.

Next, I have to encounter conspiracy theorists who always insist that America is on the verge of total destruction. Nevertheless, even after decades of dire tirades proclaiming final doom, we still exist. I credit this to Pat Robertson ending his programs with "God Bless America". Therefore, when the locusts come, it's probably because he finally fucked up and forgot to say it, and the conspiracy theorists were right.

I believe some conspiracies. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was set up. I think the gosh darn Feds got MLK Jr. I'm sure the entire state of North Dakota is a lie.

Here's what I don't believe, though: Aliens, Ghosts, The Illuminati. The end of America usually involves The Illuminati, who, supposedly, control us all. And they have to be real; Zack de la Rocha believes they exist, and he has immaculate dreadlocks.

They probably aren't all-controlling, like conspiracy theorists suggest, but if they are, Facebook is probably part of their evil plan. Consider the following:

- Mark Zuckerburg is a Jew. Conspiracy theorists, being the tremendous closet racists that they are, always look at Jewishness as being a possible link to the Illuminati.

- Mark Zuckerburg went to Yale or Harvard or some shit. HOMYGOD. He's Jewish AND went to a school for rich kids!? If that's not proof that he's in league with Satan, I don't know what is.

All kidding aside, Facebook has created a massive database of personal profiles, because they now know your full name, what you look like, who your friends are, where you go to school, your relationship status, your religion, your birthday, where you work, and your current mood. They know EVERYTHING about you. If this ever freaks you out, well, too bad. They keep all your personal info forever.

That's the main reason -I- hate Facebook; those Ostrogoths want my soul. My precious, precious soul. Let's not even get started on what an enormous suckfest the site is. The so-called 'concept' revolves purely on a new way to reinforce corporate greed by social networking. That's the point behind social networking; to add thousands of friends so that you can promote yourself shamelessly (more like shamefully). Oh, and you thought it was all about keeping track of your friends. Yes, of course... this is the same spoiled country that equates a 7% employment rate to "The Economy going down in flames", so it stands to reason that one can't even be expected to keep track of their own friends without the aid of an internet-based networking fad that appeals to the false sense of self-importance that drives everyone to feel that they need to create a profile about every detail of their lives for everyone to see. Unfortunately, according to a recent study I did, I found through careful analysis, and an algorithm that requires a comprehensive understanding of differential equations, that 80% of people are fucking boring.

Here's another thing about people's profiles: they never post anything you don't already know. Ever. Unless you're perpetually oblivious to everything, that is. So basically, you're networking yourself to people you already talk to, so you can see pictures of what you already know they look like and find out things about them that you already knew.

Special word from the author: Don't try to convince me that Facebook has practical applications. I won't listen. The only thing it's for is for people to network themselves and promote themselves. In fact, I might just make one specifically so that everyone can know how awesome I am. Indeed, I "rock", or whatever the cool kids are saying these days. Who knows? Doesn't matter thought; fuck the cool kids.