The Reason The Terrorists Hate Us: Lady GaGa

I knew it.

A lot of people asked "Why do they hate us?" and all the godless liberals could come up with is that our countless military incursions into foreign countries and aiding their bitter enemies for the purpose of advancing our policies and sphere of influence, but that's retarded. Everyone knows that the terrorists hate us because they hate freedom, which is why they deliberately lock themselves in small cages for long periods of time. They can't stand to think that we eat a sandwich made out of fried chicken filets, while listening to an iPod with 2,300 hipster songs, while skateboarding down to the local porn/general debauchery store, and being apathetic as our government gives guns to the people who rape their women and shoot their boys. They need to understand something, though. That's what we do.

Alright, that's a bit harsh. We also send our Irish rockstars to Ethiopia occasionally, and buy t-shirts where the proceeds go dying victims of natural disasters, and adopt abused kittens. Sometimes people even let you take their parking spot, like the saints they are. Just the other day, I saw a group of kids riding bicycles, laughing and smoking cigarettes, and I couldn't help but think "This country is great."

Yet they hate us, because of two simple words: Lady Gaga. Sure, she wasn't even born in America, but she symbolizes everything we are. She symbolizes those guys playing hockey across the street, and that hard-working alcoholic that toils at the soda-bottle plant, and the single mother of fourteen who may be getting her own reality show sometime but we're not sure, and that weird quiet guy who just stares at you at the coffee shop, and that ex-marine in the interweb chatrooms telling us that depleted uranium shrapnel made his arm fall off, and that fat guy who is fat, and the highschool girl selling overpriced candy bars and maybe something extra special if you buy enough of them... all of us.

Thank you, Lady Gaga. I salute you.

" Lady Gaga is a symbol of everything Jihadists hate about us. "

- Brett Stephens, The Wall Street Journal

Me Dictating an Angry Letter to a Congressperson

Despite my massive hangover crashing viciously against the insides of my head like a crazed goat, I managed to catch a blog from Southern4life, where I watched a video where a Congressman, Scott Renfroe, R (huge surprise) Colorado, compares being gay to murder, using that great Republican argument that we shouldn't "make sin legal". Well, gee, that makes perfect sense except that this fatass refuses to make gluttony illegal, but choose not to acknowledge that as sin because of his pride, which happens to be another legal sin. And since he wants to follow the book of Leviticus so badly, maybe he shouldn't be eating ham sandwiches.

Consequently, it says in the Bible that a person who breaks even part of the Old Law (from the leviticus region of the Bible) is guilty of breaking ALL of it, so basically, his ham sandwich pretty much makes him a sodomizing animal-fucker.



Therefore, I wrote him this email:

to: scott.renfroe.senate@state.co.us

from: calicolyst@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Renfroe,

I know you're just trying to "do the right thing" and get brownie points with God by banishing homosexuals from being able to wed. I would try to argue with you that you're being an incredible hypocrite, but you're probably not going to return this email, and if you do, it's probably going to be some "You made some good points, but I gotta go with what the Bible teaches", nonsense that totally disregards that Jesus part of the Bible where he tells us that we should all love each other despite being sinners. So, what I'm going to do instead is simply say that your face looks stupid.

Despite the childish overtones this message may convey, the more I think about it, the more his face does look stupid. Anyhow, that's kind of moot, and this actually a small waste of my time, considering that since the fall of Soviet Russia, the Republicans have been trying desperately to find a new enemy to peg all of America's problems on, and unfortunately for gay people, they drew the small straw.

Anyhow, you all reading this should email your congresspeoples and just let them know what a fucked-up job they're doing right now, especially Scott Refroe.