I knew it.
A lot of people asked "Why do they hate us?" and all the godless liberals could come up with is that our countless military incursions into foreign countries and aiding their bitter enemies for the purpose of advancing our policies and sphere of influence, but that's retarded. Everyone knows that the terrorists hate us because they hate freedom, which is why they deliberately lock themselves in small cages for long periods of time. They can't stand to think that we eat a sandwich made out of fried chicken filets, while listening to an iPod with 2,300 hipster songs, while skateboarding down to the local porn/general debauchery store, and being apathetic as our government gives guns to the people who rape their women and shoot their boys. They need to understand something, though. That's what we do.
Alright, that's a bit harsh. We also send our Irish rockstars to Ethiopia occasionally, and buy t-shirts where the proceeds go dying victims of natural disasters, and adopt abused kittens. Sometimes people even let you take their parking spot, like the saints they are. Just the other day, I saw a group of kids riding bicycles, laughing and smoking cigarettes, and I couldn't help but think "This country is great."
Yet they hate us, because of two simple words: Lady Gaga. Sure, she wasn't even born in America, but she symbolizes everything we are. She symbolizes those guys playing hockey across the street, and that hard-working alcoholic that toils at the soda-bottle plant, and the single mother of fourteen who may be getting her own reality show sometime but we're not sure, and that weird quiet guy who just stares at you at the coffee shop, and that ex-marine in the interweb chatrooms telling us that depleted uranium shrapnel made his arm fall off, and that fat guy who is fat, and the highschool girl selling overpriced candy bars and maybe something extra special if you buy enough of them... all of us.
Thank you, Lady Gaga. I salute you.
" Lady Gaga is a symbol of everything Jihadists hate about us. "
- Brett Stephens, The Wall Street Journal