Sunday, November 29, 2009

The most magical time of year, and by magic, I mean sorcery

Time to bust out the black, green and red candles, don our dashikis and kufis, because that special time of year is growing near once again. It's that time of year when single people like myself are bitter, and drink a lot. It's a time when middle-aged women fist fight in the aisles of K-Mart at 5 in the morning, and that time of year when angsty kids bitch about commercialism while gladly being draped in materialism, because hey, it's a material world, and I am a material girl. It's a time of year when fat-ass douchebag car-dealers desperately and awkwardly cram Santa Claus into their commercials in a manner that stabs integrity and class in the throats with a cutlass.

Now, I have nothing against Christmas, it's just that everyone seems to hate it in some form or another, and it's become "cool" to be like "Scrooge" (A very unpleasant tax collector whose apathy and greed will cause the death of Tiny Tim; hates Christmas, because it's about "giving") and because I'm such an obstreperous internet rebel, I have to love Christmas in order to oppose everyone else. That's right, you Christmas-hating fucks: Instead of spraying graffiti reading "Santa Claus sucks" and "Santa Claus is a fag" and "Christmas sucks and is for fags" and "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer is a fag", you should go fuck yourself immediately.

On the downside, Christmas is about caring, which is something I rarely do, unless an Asian girl in a bikini comes to my door with two large bags, filled with large amounts of non-inflated American currency, and even then I might say "Who cares? I'm about to save Hyrule for the 100th time." then try to grab my drink, but the glass would just be out of reach, so I'd go "Ah, nevermind." and go back to my entrancing hot n64 action.

In other words, this is going to be the best Chanukah ever.


calicolyst said...

We all know what "The Black Candle" is REALLY about.

les aventures des cybernautes said...

Aha! Father Noel approves.

PinkPanthress said...

So, was your Chanukkah a nice one, & did you get a Dreidel?

Happy new Year to you...

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