Thursday, February 26, 2009

Science Fiction Story (From the Future)

The year: 3,000 a.d.

aw, hell, let's make it the year 4,000

Setting: Humanity now travels between the stars (surprising, I know) and the Earth has been largely abandoned. It is considered to be the 3rd most boring planet in the galaxy, only behind Saxaphone-5 and Planet Amazing. It's a running joke that Planet Amazing is actually amazing, whereas everyone knows this is false, except old people and the mentally ill.

In space, a mighty spaceship roared silently through the black void. At the helm of this vessel, the Captain stared blankly out into the stars. "I wonder," he thought, "what would happen if Selnus-6 fought with mX-99382. There are so many variables involved and..."

Suddenly, the ship was struck by an asteroid. "I should have been paying attention!" the Captain cried out as the warning siren sounded on all the decks. The Captain staggered to his feet and looked around the bridge of the ship, which was littered with the bodies of dead crew members, and random fires. "Great Darwin's Beard..." the Captain muttered in disbelief. A hologram of a woman appeared. "Captain, we've been hit by a large asteroid." she reported.

"NO WAY." The Captain replied sarcastically.

"Yes way."

"How bad is this?"

"According to my calculations, we're all going to die in exactly 78 seconds."

"Computer-woman-hologram-thingy, calculate our odds of survival!"

"Your odds of survival are 0%. 73 seconds."

"Alright, teleport me to the nearest planet."

"The teleportation capacitor was damaged last week when one of your crew members copulated with a robot on it. I attempted to inform you of this, however, my efforts were in vain, as you were engaged in a game of Space Strip Poker, which is similar to regular Strip Poker, but in Space."

"Computer, your incompetence astounds me."

"I apologize, Captain."

Then the power failed on the ship, and all the oxygen was sucked out. The Captain slumped down onto the floor, and wondered why he was able to slump onto the floor if there is no gravity, but it didn't matter because he was dead.

The ship happened to be carrying a very valuable cargo: The Particle Deregulator, an experimental device, that, when activated, would turn all the matter in the universe into anti-matter, and vice-versa. Basically, everything would be destroyed, but the scientists who created it were allowed to finish it because they said "We promise that after we build it, we will not activate it." and were scanned by highly-intelligent robots who calculated there was a 92% chance that the scientists would keep their promise.

After the asteroid-stricken ship was disabled by the asteroid, the entire crew died, and the cargo was picked up Space Pirates. This surprised absolutely no one, because every other person in the galaxy was a Space Pirate. It all started when a very famous robot decided to quit his successful career as a musician to begin raiding the colonies in the Fucktra Sector, and stealing billions of gords worth of eels. By the way, in the future, the only money accepted is gords. The weirder the gord looks, the more it would be worth.

After a 5-nanosecond-long investigation by the Galactic Bureau of Inquiry, it was determined that the crew might have survived if they ship had not been robbed of oxygen. Therefore, the United Glorbist Alliance held a meeting to discuss what should be done. Of course, as every school kid knows, Glorbism was a philosophy founded by Glorb the Gluttonous, who also invented "Smart Food", which simply teleported itself into the eater's stomach, then analyzed the body's needs, and morphed itself into the proper suppliments to fulfill those needs. However, Glorbism, the philosophy, was a system of thinking that is impossible to explain in just a few sentences, but basically, it's just a belief that everyone in the world is actually one person who just runs around really fast to create the illusion that there are a bunch of different people everywhere. Other elements of Glorbism state things like: the universe's size is shrinking while appearing to expand, robots should have equal rights with humans (the rights to get married, vote, etc., all that fun shit), and that aliens exist. The entire galaxy had been searched, but no intelligent alien life had been discovered, which begged the question, "What the fuck? Seriously!" But it was surmised that even though our galaxy had no alien life, that perhaps another galaxy could contain aliens.

Anyhow, the United Glorbist Alliance's high council went into session to discuss what should be done about the recent wreck.

"Thank you for coming today," the President began, adding, "Even though we all know that you would be executed if you were absent."

"Here here!" the councilmembers cheered.

"As you all know, one of our ships, the Hapsburg, was struck by an asteroid, which probably belonged to our enemies. Our enemies are sneaky vermin, and we should be vigilant of their conspiring minds."

"Your Fordship," one of the councilmembers began, "Suppose that it was merely an accident that lead to the disaster?"

"Nonsense. Our mortal enemy, the Orbian Conglomerate was clearly behind the attack."

"What is your proof, my Ford?"

"Simple, very simple. The Orbians hate us. They hate our love for peace, and our protectiveness of life. That is why they must be destroyed."

"I do agree with you, the Orbians are horrible, vomit-eating boars, born from the grey-haired vagina of a Space-Witch, but there seems to be no indication that they had anything to do with this malicious act of Space Terrorism."

"Nevertheless, the people want blood. Plus, we want the Orbians dead, so let's just kill two Troygions with one Xantesh."

"I've never heard that expression."

"It's what all the kids are saying."

Another councilmember stood up and said "No one has used the word 'Xantesh' since the 3980's, your Fordship."

"Ah, nevermind, then." The President said.

So, they all agreed to declare war on the Orbians, a race of people that no one really understood, because they had given up their human bodies to become floating orbs of light. This, of course, meant they couldn't engage in sexual activities, but the Orbians insisted they were perfectly happy and that sex was just a emotional burden slowing down human progress. The humans with bodies, however, were convinced the Orbians were actually, in fact, secretly bitter and vindictive, and feared the Orbians would lash out and attack because of their sheer sexual frustration. Actual studies done by actual robots seemed to confirm these fears.

Still, there were protests against the Glorbian government, which claimed the President was only going to war for the eels.

The Glorbian's Space Navy mobilized one hundred billion dreadnaughts, supercarriers, super-mega-carriers, and of course, super-dreadnaught-death-carriers to destroy every last remnant of the Orbian race. The Orbians became alarmed, and they, in turn, mobilized an equal number of equally powerful ships. The Glorbians' best robots predicted that, in the event of a battle, the Orbians had a 50% chance of victory, which everyone on the Glorbian side believed, was far too high.

Therefore, the Glorbians sent more ships, and the Orbians sent more ships, until there were nine trillion ships total facing each other. Meanwhile, at that moment, in some insanely-forgotten dark corner of the galaxy, a very wise midget realized that the names of the two fighting factions rhymed. Only no one cared.

The Admiral of the Glorbian fleet looked out into space at the Orbian's ships and said to himself "Darwin help us all."

A female officer with an amazing physique and an incredibly-unnecessarily tight spandex uniform walked up to the Admiral and said "We've received the order, Admiral. The President wants us to attack."

"Wait..." the Admiral replied "I don't know if I can do this. I have a confession. I'm still a virgin, and if I die without being sexed upon, then I'm no better than those Orbian fuckers."

"Admiral, sir, grow some testicles this instant and order the attack."

"Alright, I'll do it. FIRE!"

Both fleets fired at each other, and in 2 nanoseconds, trillions of ships were instantly disintegrated on both sides. There was only one ship left, which belonged to the Glorbians, thus making them the winners of the war. Unfortunately, there was a gaping hole in the side of the Glorbian ship, causing all the oxygen to be sucked out, and all the crewmembers died.

The President of the United Glorbian Alliance was shocked. "This cannot be!" he cried, and his second head said "Cheer up lad." because it was very fashionable for important aristocrats and political leaders to have two heads and four arms.

But, because he was a man of action, he decided that the best course of conduct would be to fill the entire universe with oxygen, thus ensuring that no crew would ever run out of air again. So, he founded a program called Let's Fill The Entire Universe With Oxygen by The Year 3012, which was protested by religious groups, because they felt that if God wanted the universe to be filled with oxygen, that He would've made it filled with oxygen to begin with.

There was a problem, though, seeing as how the two most powerful fleets in the galaxy were both destroyed, there was no way for anyone to manage the problem of Space Piracy. Pretty soon, Space Pirates were robbing everyone blind.

The President, while onboard his ship, received a transmission from the Space Pirate Leader.

"It's you!" The President said, startled.

"How are you, Mr. 'President'?" The Space Pirate Leader began, "I regret to inform you that all of your bases now belong to us. Soon, you will be destroyed."

"What did you say?"

"My robots have informed me that you have no chance of survival."

The President's ship was promptly destoryed, (not 'destroyed', but 'destoryed', a term which means that you've been destroyed so hard that you no longer have a story.) and the galaxy slid into a state of anarchy.

Suddenly, the President appeared in a bedroom, which was completely white. Then he got up, and ate a steak at a little dinner table, but accidentally dropped his glass, and it broke. He sighed.

And somewhere, in a distant part of space, a Starbaby was born.

The end.

note: this entire story takes place within the time span of 2 seconds, because everything happens unbelievably fast in the future.

1 comment:

Katy said...

Loved it, thank you!

(I had to say that. The space pirates kidnapped my cute little puppy and are threatening him with their cat attitude fusion machine)

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