Sunday, February 22, 2009

Rule #546: Turn Personal Tragedy Into An Opportunity To Sell Books and Get Famous

It's a tough world. You could be walking down the sidewalk when you're suddenly jumped by a Caucasian gangster, who is certainly not black (because I'm not racist), and he beats your ass into the pavement and steals your wallet, and maybe also your clothes. So now, you're lost and alone, naked and without your money, driver's license and library card. Now imagine, right after that happens, a pigeon flies out of nowhere and shits on your head. Then it starts raining.

Life is tough, so it takes a shrewd mind to get through it successfully. So, normally, when someone you love dies, you mourn their loss, and then "pick up the pieces", whatever that means. However, if you're shrewd (not a 'shrew', a large rodent similar to a vole) you mourn the loss of your loved one for a bit, but then think to yourself, "How can I use this to make a lot of money?"

Let me explain the steps about how to do this:

- Be middle class, and preferably, white and attractive. The media loves this, and will feature you on their shows.

- Marry the love of your life, and have the "perfect life together".

- Now, that person has to die. The more tragic the circumstances, the better.

- Wait 6 months. This is vital because you don't want to look like you're doing this for the money. People tend to be judgmental about that. This grace period gives the image that you're not overly anxious to cash in.

- Now, write your book. You can write it before the six months, but you have to pretend to have written it after the six months. That's why it's a good idea to start it off with an introduction that tells a sweet story about how you and your loved one were on your honeymoon watching the sun go down together, and then start the first chapter with "It has been six months since that day I lost [Loved one's name goes here]..."

- Go on the internet and post video/blog about how you're struggling. Tell your viewers to "tell their friends to pray for you", because this gets you word-of-mouth viral exposure that will boost your overall views. The friends will visit, and they in turn, will get their friends to visit. See how that works? Plus, if anyone criticizes you, then they're just assholes, right? YOU had this huge tragedy. How dare they. Those fuckers.

- Start a non-profit organization with your loved one's name in it's title. You have to say "I want to help people just like myself going through tragedies." Why do you do this? Because word of your selflessness will be spread throughout the internet by your many followers, which will get you sufficient exposure to be noticed by a major media outlet.

- Get interview on major media outlet. This is vital.

- Profit! Finally, your book will sell 50,000 copies, and after the publisher gets their cut of the money, you'll make something like 15 dollars. But fear not, your non-profit org will get thousands of dollars, and of course, some of that will go to "administrative costs".

- Become hero. When someone you love dies and you tell the story on television, it automatically makes you heroic and a great person.

That's all there is to it. Follow these simple steps, and you too can sell tons of books and become a hero-on-television.


one billion daleks said...

Hey calicolyst - Thank Q! for your recent visit - clearly, you're a man of few words, but what you do say is succinct and to the point! ;).

And your blog is one of the more stimulating reads that I've come across, so I'm looking forward to more of the same!

All The Best!

Matt said...

lol! Another highly entertaining read!

Mame said...

I think you'll put public relations firms out of business! I love it! Keep writing.

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