Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Ugly Shoes Are Taking Over The World

My computer is utterly worthless. It took me approximately 20 minutes to make that poster, which we all know is true; Obama wakes up every morning to some hot chocolate. Not coffee. Hot chocolate.

Anyhow, I don't wish him good luck, because let's be honest, he's never going to read this, so what would be the point?

So, I went into a shoe store yesterday, because let's face it: My shoes are shit. Subsequently, I discovered a newfound appreciation for the simplicity of my black shoes; all the new shoes are covered in so many different colors that they look like vomit. There was actually an orange and gray shoe that caught my eye, but only because I was gripped in awe of the sheer level of skull-shattering ignorant douchebaggery that would be required in order to wear such behemoths of awfulness in the skin-sheering light of public. As fate would have it, a young, and entirely unenthusiastic employee approached me to inquire as to whether or not I'd like to make a purchase.

In business, it is said that if greeted by friendly service people, customers are more likely to buy shit.

"Can I help you?" he asks, but in a voice that made me immediately realize that he, with every fiber of his soul, did not want to help me.

"What an idiotic question." I thought, because of course he couldn't help me. My therapist can't help me, which makes me wonder why I pay her, but then remember that I'm slowly working my way into having a love affair with her.

"How much do these ugly shoes cost?" I asked.

"Those are 39.95 for a men's large and..."


I was outraged. The ugliest shoes ever conceived by mankind cost 39.95. Plus sales tax. Damn you, sales tax, damn you.

So, here's the thing: there is a group of people out there buying these shoes. I want to find out who they are, and then eat at a restaurant where they wait on my table, and NOT pay them the 15% tip, but instead, leave something like 8%. Perhaps even leave a special note with the money that says "Your shoes: they are ugly."

If you can't figure out how to calculate 15% of the meal, then drive off a cliff, please. It will help improve the genetics of the human race, thus making us stronger, and that will make you a hero. A HERO, MAN.

Here's how to get 15% easily:

Your bill is 27.51

Round the last two digits to the nearest 10, making the bill 27.50

Divide it by ten to get 2.75

Then, take half of 2.75, which is... something like 1.37 or some shit because 75 doesn't divide into halves very well, which pisses me off. Whoever invented odd numbers is a bitch.

Then, take



get 4.12

Actually, just bolt. Get out of the fucking restaurant as fast you can. No one can stop you; you're too damn fast.


calicolyst said...

I sound old in the post. I'm only 22, though. This is what happens when all you whippersnappers start up with your shenanigans.

Fred said...

I would have loved to see a picture of those shoes.

Adam said...

yes, i agree. a photo of the most ugly shoes imaginable?! Hell yeah!

nubiz said...

"Whoever invented odd numbers is a bitch." That's funny as hell! And it's true. The inventer of odd numbers is a complete and total bitch!

Rachel Lake said...

THe problem with with ugly shoes is that somehow, they start to catch on and, I must admit, I occasionally fall prey to the brainwash. Prime example : UGGS.

Hilarious post!

♪Tobi♪ said...

u are the *third* blogging dude ive ever seen. i was always under the impression that dudes were illiterate.

PinkPanthress said...

I wouldn't even wear such ugly shoes if 'they' would pay me 40$...
And thank god you didn't post a pic of them, I wouldn't enjoy it if they made me ba*f all over my Laptop, thank you very much.

heartclip said...

hilarious post! started cracking up at the last part, everyone looked at me funny!

people just don' t appreciate a good laugh!

anyhow, thanks for following my blog! :)

Wonder Man said...

I would love to see those shoes too

Maggie Monroe said...

men should not even try to wear anything other than black loafers or white sneakers. trust me.

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