Thursday, June 4, 2009

Excuse me while I channel the spirit of Miss Cleo's fake Jamaican accent

I was just kidding in the last post. The true reason I was away from my blog is because I was fighting time-traveling robots from the future, sent to eradicate all of mankind and start a new robot civilization, complete with a retail center that is hell-bent on raping the shit out Mom-and-pop small businesses (which represent honest virtues and shining puppies of total good) just to be assholes. You know we couldn't allow that, so I lead the resistance against the robots and saved all you fuckers.

Now, as you know, as a professional ghost and/or alien-hunter, I have to act like I've developed a sixth sense in order to impress gullible people, and then start to believe my own lie that I can sense spirits and foresee the future. Which I can do. I just close my eyes, go into a trance and draw whatever I see in my visions, which are usually vividly horrific precognitions, revealing serial murderers killing various people with various sorts of weaponry, massively catastrophic natural disasters, and record companies signing pretty girls to release albums so the companies can make mad money. But even Jim Kramer could see that coming, though. That fucker.

So here are my predictions for the rest of 2009:

- Courtney Love or Steve-O or someone will die of drugs. Then everyone will make a huge fuss over it for months, release conspiracy theories about how it happened, arrest some random doctor, and all the stupid teenagers will start putting quotes by the said famous person on their internet-thingies.

- A fucking asteroid will smash into the earth, but it won't happen in the US, so our people will just write blogs about how no one cares about the tragedy that ensues, but how THEY, in fact, really do care. This will prompt a bunch of people to buy Asteroid Tragedy t-shirts and bracelets, because supposedly, 90% of the money goes to help the victims of the asteroid.

- A pretty young girl with blonde hair, blue eyes and perfect teeth who was just a great person will be abducted, and the media will jump on that story like Fred Durst on a warthog's cock, and there will be a nation-wide hunt for the girl. Her skeleton will found 2 years later at the bottom of a river, and either a person who is of a "minority" (Someone who isn't a cracker) will be arrested or some older man, who will have scary facial hair. The weirder he is, the easier it'll be to turn people against him, and lynch his ass.

- I will abuse anti-depressants, and then drink a lot of booze, but still live anyway. I will wake up the next day naked next to some Thai girl who doesn't speak any English in a dimly-lit basement that smells like Larry King's taint, and I will have no idea why, and will sit up quickly, only to realize I feel like shit. I will then say aloud "I feel like shit. What the fuck am I doing here?" because stating the obvious always helps.

- A plane will crash. Then people will be afraid to fly, then ride off on their motorcycles.

- The Hadron Collider will create a minature black hole, and the black hole will make an elaborate list of demands, which the government will refuse, and the black hole will kill a hostage. Meanwhile, someone will google "black hole" in order to find out what it is, but will have their filter off, and will get some ebony porn site instead and it will contain a ton of weird shit, like girls in full-body fish-net suits.

- I will smack bitches and hoes, because it's hard out there for a pimp.

There you go. I'm going to go contact UFOs.


calicolyst said...

Because you know Fred Durst is into that.

The Blue Badger said...

The rest of the year sounds very interesting. And thank you for saving the future. I'm very proud of you. :D

PinkPanthress said...

Did you also know that I would, after a few month of absence, wright a comment here??? ;)

lola said...

Fucking Hilarious! That is so awesome and wrong in the most delicious way. I love it. This should be a Blog of Note, but of course that won't happen because we all know Mr. Rogers didn't really die and he owns the Internet. That's why my blogs aren't blogs of note. Oh these are my blogs-

Kschenke said...

I'm not sure, but I thought the Hadron Collider had been turned off. Which is good, since it was either going to create a black hole or just keep not producing anything.

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