Thursday, April 23, 2009

Bitch Versus Bitch: THE RECKONING

If you read this post, you may end up being scarred for life. LIFE, MAN. Unless you live to a ripe old age, in which case, you'll forget the names of your grandkids, ergo, also will forget this moment in time. A majority of people probably are trying to focus on positivity (excuse me while I make significant efforts to stifle my vomit) and take to mind happier things, like The Weather, or eating a bowl of Wheaties. Unfortunately, though, I'm going to bring up something you've desperately scrabbled to erase from the cave walls of your prehistoric brain.

Special Note From The Author: When I say "Wheaties", I mean porn.

Anyhow, down to business; I've never been a fan of beauty pageants. Regardless of my belief that they should be destroyed by a death ray from a Sputnik satellite, they continue to insolently exist. So I don't care that Miss California lost and didn't attain her life goal of being the supreme living zombie Barbie doll for 365 days and the acquisition of the coveted pure diamond tiara that grants it's wearer the ability to disintegrate anyone they so choose.

Bohemian pricks who are gay for "facts" may assert hurriedly that the crown grants no such powers, but why the Hell would anyone want it if it didn't?

"Because Miss America is an elitest, pointless, overly-hyped, worthless tramp-parade of totally fabricated significance?"


So, in simple, dumb-people words, "I don't give a fuck about Miss America." Really, the only reason I'm even bringing it up is because Perez Hilton, that fat guy who is obsessed with Hollywood shit, is having an ongoing hissy fit, because Miss California, which asked if she supported the legalization of Gay Marriage, said:

"What? Fuck no. I don't think sodomites should be degrading the wonderful institution of Marriage because in some countries, such as South Africa and Iraq and such as don't have marriage, and we as a country have to do the right thing our beliefs and because yeah and that's how I was raised, to wield M-16s and eat apple pie."

~ Miss California (paraphrase)

So Perez Sez:


And goes ahead and uses his fame to turn people against her personally, because that's what America is all about: climbing the ladder of capitalism so you can crush the peons who would dare raise a finger to oppose your rule. Damn, it's getting me hot just thinking about it.

That would be like me making a billion dollars in the lucrative pork belly market, then going to a neighborhood of my choosing. I would ask the inhabitants if they supported Thailand's government. If they give an unfavorable answer, I will call in an airstrike to drop napalm on their houses so those insufferable curs can burn. If you thought this analogy was blown way out of proportion, then I'll just say it's an example of hyperbole.

It was tricky deciding who to side with, but after meditating on the matter while seating upon a giant boulder while drinking boxed wine, I decided they both aren't worth siding with. They both suck.

And so does Kim Kardashian. It's clear that Khloe is the superior Kardashian.


calicolyst said...

Damn you, Donald Trump.

The Blue Badger said...

Mr. Stranger Danger, you're kind of scaring me. :D But I agree with you on the imbecility of Miss America. And Miss California. And Perez Hilton, too. But generally I ignore them and they continue to not notice I exist, so I guess I don't really need an opinion on them. :/

awakeningmoon said...

great post!!!!

Ath'daraxen said...

You are fucking amazing, I've never known anyone with enough balls to go off on this country's "precious" Ms. America pageant, You Are Amazing beyond words.

lola said...

I don't believe in pageants either. The kiddie ones are exploitation and the adult ones are just for old men who have nothing better to do to watch on t.v. while they eat prunes and Viagra trail mix and whatever else old men do. Also, I agree with you about Kim Kardashian. Khloe is awesome and badass, etc. I hope you do not track me down and murder me because I believe in gay marriage.
This blog is so good, it just has to be fattening. Good thing I'm not on a diet. You seem to hate evrything and you turn that hate into hilarity. As long as you don't turn that hate into violence or bran muffins, I'm okay with that.

IBND said...

Eating a bowl of porn? Yum...

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