Sunday, January 18, 2009

People Who Need To Shut Up

The wonderful thing about the internet is that’s a wonderful diverse patchwork of all the stupid pricks in the world, all brought together, specifically to annoy me. I will get revenge, of course, and this revenge will involve a death ray. And Oprah. Somehow, I will utilize her fat ass in my plan. Don’t ask me how, because frankly, you just don’t have the capacity to comprehend the complete dicotomy of my scheme, let alone it’s nonsensical intricacies.

Until I am able to wreak chaos in the streets, I must simply let loose my emotions. My deepest, mushiest emotions. Please understand that I had a bad childhood and am simply misunderstood, and if you can’t get through your thick skull, then die immediately.

Here are just some of the people who just need to shut up and/or drive off a cliff:

Bloggers

What a bunch of idiots. They think everything they think about has to be written down and “rambled” about. Fine, go ahead and share your “musings”. Then there are the Blogtards who publish articles for readers, like say, Arianna Huffington. Nothing she has ever said is the least bit interesting; she’s just richer than god-only-knows-what. Then, take Perez Hilton’s blog, for instance. Also a waste of pixels, precious, precious pixels. I’m enthralled that the biggest blogger in the world got where he is by drawing ejaculate on the faces of various celebrities, such as Will Smith. Well done, you fat ass (not Will Smith. He’s not fat, yet)

Fashion Experts

These people (and I use that term loosely, mind you) have a simple life philosophy: that clothes make people. Obviously, they’ve never heard of nudist camps. Talk to them somtime. They will spout of lines like “I think fashion is an important expression of one’s self. ” and “Imagine what the world would be like without fashion.” and of course, everytime I try, my brain commits various forms of Japanese suicide at such a terrifying prospect. But in seriousness, these people dress in odd outfits that no one else in the world is wearing. Supposedly, that’s their self-expression. I know most people would rather express themselves through actions, and not possessions, but I’m not going to accuse fashion experts of being the brightest people.

Chris

Shut your dirty whore mouth, Chris.

15-year-old Girls

From what I understand about human biology, it’s almost impossible to skip through your teenaged years, not without drastic surgery that is only legal in Mexico. Therefore, people, in particular, girls, have to be 15 for at least one complete Terran revolution around the sun, which I find to be God’s way of punishing me for all the times I’ve tried to eat my Bibles while in church as a kid. Girls (who are 15) are overwhelmed by estrogen, and therefore, must compensate for the explosion of emotions by:

a. Worshipping random boys, and ignoring everyone in the world except for that boy.

b. Becoming obsessed with horrid trends, especially those pushed by fashion designers.

c. Experiment with drugs and claim to be bisexual.

d. Starve themselves.

e. All of the above.

If any 15-year-old girl ever reads this, they will simply scream “That’s not true! WHAT THE FUCK?” or, if they realize it’s all true, they’ll go “You’re a jerk. It’s people like you who make the world a worse place. You need to grow up and accept that there are viewpoint other than your own.” Oh, I know, 15-year-old girls, I know. I’ve heard all the same recycled liberal bullshit before, especially when criticizing Scene Kids. Guess what, though? No adult I know approves of Sceneness. They just put up with it because it’s illegal to beat up kids these days.

Scene Kids

Why? Just why.

People who can’t stop talking about whether or not Obama is black

Black person (spazzing out): OHMAGOD OBAMA IS BLACK N ITZ A GREAT TIME TO B AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN CUZ DA DREAM OF MLK HAS FINALLY CAME TRUE AND I NEVER THOUGHT ID SEE IT IN MY LIFETIME

White person (who foams at the mouth at the thought of a black president): NO HE’S HALF WHITE, SO HE AIN’T FULLY BLACK, SO IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S BLACK OR ANYTHING SO YEAH.

Third person (who needs to inject their so-called ‘wisdom’ into the conversation): Obama represents all races and colors!

I hope the world ends soon.

Message Board Trolls

First of all, to anyone who uses the word “Newfag”: Never reproduce. Not that you could if you wanted to, but statistically, someone, eventually, is going to get laid. It better not be with my sister, either. Or I will incinerate their souls in the fire of my wrath. Anyhow, all memes suck. Think about it. Occasionally, they may pull a chuckle out of me, but they don’t go much further than that. You know what this means? They’re for idiots. Of course, it’s easy to be a jackass when you have an army of idiots behind you, so it’s often very amusing when a /b/tard is cornered in some place without any additional /b/lackup around normal people.

Often, my conversations with them will go as such:

Me: Would anyone here know where I might be able to find this plug-in?

Them: Fail.

Me: That’s helpful, you moron.

Them: Try reading the thread archives, you fag.

Me: Instead of me wasting my time going through a bunch of worthless shit that’s not going to help me, why not serve a purpose as a sentient being and just tell me where to find the patch, because the one on the website that was recommended doesn’t exist anymore.

Them: gtfo noob

To them, I say: you’re all worthless. The message board is labeled “Tech support and help”, not “The Jerk-off Cafe”. If you want to “hang out” on the internet, don’t do it in the fucking help section.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll probably update this later with more people who, really, need to shut the hell up. If you have suggestions for an annoying group, or just want to bitch about your life, email me: calicolyst@gmail.com

8 comments:

calicolyst said...

OH NO I'M SO MEAN.

les aventures des cybernautes said...

How about us 16 year old girls?

Adam said...

no angry.................................................................................i love it

Adam said...

well that comment didn't go as planned....


SO Angry
















i love it.












its not that funny now.....

Emma said...

Yes this is great, I must say. I'm fifteen and I was cracking up because I know a few girls like that. So. Maybe there's hope for us after all.

Emma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emma said...

Also. I do believe you are a blogger yourself, no? and you yourself are sharing your musings, yes? So therefore your just the hypocritical blogger in this case
its ok I still laughed

Matt said...

Hahahahaha! Awesome title, awesome post! This is the stuff I need to start my mornings with. It cracked me up! :D

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