Why I Blog; an exercise in sarcastic explanations for Irishonbizz

Hypothetical contingency of the day: The world is ending, due to asteroid. Would you have the presence of mind to wear matching articles of clothing?

Okay, I meant to write this sooner, but I was just so busy with video games, which ate into my "blogger time" like a parasitic worm of death. I've also been preoccupied with my harrowing acts of piracy, villainy, anarchy, etc., and also Basic Cable. Now that it's back, I'll almost certainly spend a spectacular quantity of irreplaceable moments watching a hodge-podge of programs, and then explaining here why they suck beyond all reasonable or logically acceptable levels of suckage. For example, anything on VH1. How VH1 became so inexplicably bad is up for debate, but I'm sticking to my assumption that it's being run by a homeless man named Bob.

Now, to business: Irishonbizz "tagged" me, to explain why I blog. Ha. I presumed the answer to that was translucently obvious, but for those who are still in the dark, it's because I'm a pimp, ergo, I do it for the G's, and I do it for the hustlers. There are other minor reasons, which are:

1. Broads, man, broads. I blog primarily for the accumulation of girlfriends. This plan is fool-proof, as it pretty clear that blogs are chick magnets. Haven't you watched Twix commercials, you twit?

2. To "express myself". IM AN AMERUCUN SO I GOTTA USE MY 1ST AMENDMUNT RIGHTS BY SAYING WHATEVA I THINK ABOUT CUZ ITZ SO INTRESTING AND STUFF AND YEAH AND I WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH THE WORLD SO FUTURE GENERATIONS CAN READ THIS IS AND SAY "WOW, STUFF HAPPENED BACK THEN THAT WAS SIMILAR TO THIS STUFF THAT IS HAPPENING NOW. HOW PROFOUND!"

3. To relieve the metaphysical excrement that accumulates in my psyche after eating large amounts of mental ice cream. Case and point: I know the aliens are mutilating livestock, but that's not something people want to discuss. They'd rather talk about the weather, explaining with livid fascination about how the temperature today is going to be ever-so-slightly warmer than yesterday. Because of my participation in many engaging and pretentiously perspicacious weather conversations about "HE SAID 50% CHANCE OF RAIN, SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???" that my unimportant thoughts have to be stored in a mildew-filled backroom of my mind until they can be transported here for disposal.



Alright, interesting fact: Originally, as the initial phase of my Plan To Conquer The Universe, I was going to make a Youtube Video about how badly Youtube sucked. I'm fairly certain it would never be featured. That's the beside the point; I won't make Blogger's "Blogs of Note" either ever, BECAUSE BLOGGER IS RACIST. One could also speculate that I've entrenched my contemplations in a castle of misanthropic nihilism, (thus causing Blogger's admins to cower in the face of controversy at the whims of their suppositions, shying away in favor of fluffy photography blogs and any shithead who puts "musings" in their blog title) but this is untrue. I think Nihilism is for noobs.

(Un)Interesting side note: My favorite fluffjobs, People-Who-Generalize-Everything-Possible , often deduce that drinking haterade as a half-assed attempt at 'wit', and nihilism, are consanguineous, but that's dumb.

Anyhow, where was I? Something about a video... oh yeah... the video I was going to make was going to go hand-in-hand with a corresponding video by Gabby of Cybernautes de... uh... something French... in protest of Viacom's bitch-ass totalitarian lawsuit to stop Youtube from being a haven of piracy. I've been forced to watch Anime Music Videos to listen to music, because there are wonderfully mentally retarded people who feel that every classic and contemporary song should be played over a montage of Naruto clips.

And Naruto fans wonder why people hate that fucking show.

Anyhow, that's kind of old news now, and my webcam committed chuocide right before I made a video, thus eliminating the possibility. Then I said to myself, "Well, fuck. Why not just make a blog?" and this shit was born, and this blog will go down in non-history as totally forgotten and irrelevant to everything ever, thus basically freeing me to say whatever I want.

For example, fuck Finland. The whole country. Fuck it.

Don't worry, America. You're safe now. Youtube, however is doomed.

Remember all that death and mayhem you were anticipating, to the point of sporadically flinching throughout your day? Well, fear not. Barack Obama (peace be unto him) has hired Kumar to be part of his administration. This obvious induction into the Obama team will be a vital variable in Saving America.




















I feel exponentially safer already. I didn't even check my cereal for radioactivity this morning, because of my newfound confidence in the American Dream. Finally, an initiative that woos my wandering allegiance, to capitulate my objectivity in favor of supporting Glorious Leader. Good God, Kumar rocks. Good job. If we could insert Harold into the position of Assistant Secretary of Agriculture, I would never miss another night of sleep. Screw that Ambien shit, we need John Cho up in that bitch.

America's Status: Saved.

Youtube, however, is filled with fail. I'm sure you already came to that conclusion after you realized every popular video is tragically horrid. I can't even remember how many times I had to endure this conversation:

Chocobofreak91: check out this video, its so funny

Calicolyst: No thank you, I'd rather not.

Chocobofreak91: YOU HAVE TO! IT'S FUNNY! XD

Calicolyst: Alright, hang on.

Calicolyst: ...

Chocobofreak91: Did you watch it yet?

Calicolyst: Yeah, I did. It was garbage.

Calicolyst: Oh, and we're not friends anymore.

Chocobofreak91: =(


Then... well... there's not much more to tell. Anyhow,



















The reason I'm bringing this up now instead of three years ago is because the user Fred has amassed One Million subscribers. If you've never watched Fred's videos, then I advise against it, because once again, this is a case of the lowest common denominator rising to the top against all logic, proving once again that the intarwebs are chock-full of fucking imbeciles. I can't deny Fred's minimal creativity and "random" humor, because we all know how funny randomness is. Watch, I can be random too:





















Oh, how random! GOLD.