Don't worry, America. You're safe now. Youtube, however is doomed.

Remember all that death and mayhem you were anticipating, to the point of sporadically flinching throughout your day? Well, fear not. Barack Obama (peace be unto him) has hired Kumar to be part of his administration. This obvious induction into the Obama team will be a vital variable in Saving America.




















I feel exponentially safer already. I didn't even check my cereal for radioactivity this morning, because of my newfound confidence in the American Dream. Finally, an initiative that woos my wandering allegiance, to capitulate my objectivity in favor of supporting Glorious Leader. Good God, Kumar rocks. Good job. If we could insert Harold into the position of Assistant Secretary of Agriculture, I would never miss another night of sleep. Screw that Ambien shit, we need John Cho up in that bitch.

America's Status: Saved.

Youtube, however, is filled with fail. I'm sure you already came to that conclusion after you realized every popular video is tragically horrid. I can't even remember how many times I had to endure this conversation:

Chocobofreak91: check out this video, its so funny

Calicolyst: No thank you, I'd rather not.

Chocobofreak91: YOU HAVE TO! IT'S FUNNY! XD

Calicolyst: Alright, hang on.

Calicolyst: ...

Chocobofreak91: Did you watch it yet?

Calicolyst: Yeah, I did. It was garbage.

Calicolyst: Oh, and we're not friends anymore.

Chocobofreak91: =(


Then... well... there's not much more to tell. Anyhow,



















The reason I'm bringing this up now instead of three years ago is because the user Fred has amassed One Million subscribers. If you've never watched Fred's videos, then I advise against it, because once again, this is a case of the lowest common denominator rising to the top against all logic, proving once again that the intarwebs are chock-full of fucking imbeciles. I can't deny Fred's minimal creativity and "random" humor, because we all know how funny randomness is. Watch, I can be random too:





















Oh, how random! GOLD.

Happy Obama Day

Tomorrow, the event of the century -- no -- the millenium is going to occur. I'm not referring to the local two-for-one strawberry slushie deal that only comes around every blue moon, although that is still a huge deal. I'm talking about the inauguration of Barack Motherfucking Obama.

Finally, the American dream has been realized for the millions of African-Americans, the descendants of the slave days, because some random dude with the same skin color as them came to America in the 60's and knocked up some white woman, and that baby turned into the president.

This, obviously, must be celebrated, and I've been looking for an excuse to throw a party lately. And why do I need a party? To validate my drinking, of course! There's nothing sadder than slipping into a state of vomit-inducing intoxication while clutching a cheap box of wine and crying in corner alone.

It looks like Mr. Obama is already making my life better. Thank you, Mr. Obama.

You know what? Let's just skip to making this day a National Holiday. And let's go all the way by injecting it full of intricate traditional (and heavily commercialized) activities that don't make any sense, like everyone playing a long C-minor note at the stroke of 11:17 p.m., just for the hell of it. Don't worry about why; let the morons on Wikipedia figure it out, and trace it back to some obscure literature in 14th century Germany.

Meanwhile, I will have to endure the prolonged bitching of my die-hard conservative family, who repeat insistently that the hype surrounding Obama is a pile of squid shit, and then criticize minor details of his speeches. They can't wait for his imperfections to be brought to light, so they can get into a jerk-off fest about much they never trusted him. Even now, in the background of my house, my step-mom is yelling at the television set. Why is she yelling? Because Obama, apparently, is half-white. I don't know, I don't speak to her, as she enjoys NASCAR, which I find to be fucking horrible. It's not that I hate seeing cars drive endlessly, or southern accents, or insipidly intellectually insulting sports-commentating, or wasting large amounts of fuel; it's a combination of all those things coming together to create one gigantic soul-destroying robot made entirely out of shit. That shoots lasers. Fucking lasers.

Not that I'm a screaming-fan-girl of Obama's, but I do give him this:

- He's well-spoken
- He's a visionary
- He smokes (A quality which I deeply admire)
- He...

Well, that's about it. Let's not get too carried away.