Andy Rooney Speaks, Knaves.

Listen. When Andy Rooney asks you for your firstborn child, you don't give him shit about the legality of the matter; you hand over the child and also the family dog. Have you ever seen Andy Rooney take shit? He's not going to take shit from Ali G, ergo, he's not going to take shit from you. Therefore, if Andy Rooney decides that we should replace Veteran's Day with a day protesting "war in general", save your inexcogitative, insipid, intellectually-impecunious bullshit for the Judge and Jury, you uneducated asshat.

His amazing, shining article can, of course, be found here in THIS LINK where you can read it and agree with Andy Rooney, or suck his wrinkly flaccid dick.

Ostensibly, society is filled with phonies, and so it wasn't a shocker that the overwhelming consensus in the article's comments section is that Andy Rooney was wrong, like the idyllic heathens they are. When Andy Rooney throws down his wisdom from his shining golden clouds of transcendence, it is paramount to shut the fuck up. However, Bob (Name changed to protect him from angry rioting crowds wielding pitchforks and torches) had this to say:

" I will never again watch you or 60 Minutes. Shame on you and the network! "

And to him, I say: You think Andy gives a shit? Go watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians instead, because that's more at your intellectual level. Bob2 said:

" No war, no lies, no cheats, no stealing, not in this world! Mr. Rooney, you have stepped over the line of good sense and decency! Please apologize to our veterans. I know you are a smart man but this just makes you sound like a moron. "

And to him, I say: Yeah, that's totally what Rooney was talking about; saying the troops are worthless pawns. Or maybe he was talking about having a day to think about abolishing war (Someone should make this a law) so we won't need to have veterans or dead friends, you moron. Bob3 says:

" This is not Heaven. This is life on Earth. The reality on Earth is that everything is not all unicorns and sunshine Mr. Rooney. "

To him I say: Fuck you.


In actuality, my favorite comment was by a poster fueled by pure righteous e-rage. Here is his brusquely effusive little comment (With the ridiculous generalizations highlighted in red, much like Jesus in the Bible, random nonsense in blue, and poor usage of quotes and parenthesis in green):

" The SAD THING about those like "Bob," "Bob," and all of the other gibbon-minded creatures who accuse Rooney of dishonor and cowardice is that most of them haven't the gumption or heart to have served in the military forces (they just like to complain, and join the bandwagon of beer-guzzling, fireworks-shooting "flagwavers" who think patriotism comes in the form of a cheapjack flag stuck on their utility vehicle). As for knuckleheads like "Bob," I'm betting THEY don't have a clue about the fact that "Veteran's Day" used to be properly called, "Armistice Day." If the gun-buying, fear-lapping simpletons in America can't "grok" Rooney's rightful call for a more peacefully named holiday, then they should at least agree to having "Veteran's Day" revert back to its rightful name (before flag-waving schemers in congress changed it in order easily manipulate the ill-educated). "

What this really comes down to is a lot of highly-opinionated people arguing about the name of a day because some senile old man typed up some overly-idealistic nonsense in a disheveled rambling manner, trying to pass it off as "commentary" on our fucking holidays, whereas most of us are just glad to get the day off and watch "Saving Private Ryan" or whatever Nazi-slaying flick happens to grace our television sets. To go off on an ad hominem tirade on "Gun-buying" flag-wavers (whom I assume are Republicans. And that's how you use parenthesis, not putting them at the end of sentences for no reason), really just diverts from the real story here, which is that people love to disagree over stupid shit like this, and that's why we have wars. The end.

Bitch Versus Bitch: THE RECKONING

If you read this post, you may end up being scarred for life. LIFE, MAN. Unless you live to a ripe old age, in which case, you'll forget the names of your grandkids, ergo, also will forget this moment in time. A majority of people probably are trying to focus on positivity (excuse me while I make significant efforts to stifle my vomit) and take to mind happier things, like The Weather, or eating a bowl of Wheaties. Unfortunately, though, I'm going to bring up something you've desperately scrabbled to erase from the cave walls of your prehistoric brain.

Special Note From The Author: When I say "Wheaties", I mean porn.

Anyhow, down to business; I've never been a fan of beauty pageants. Regardless of my belief that they should be destroyed by a death ray from a Sputnik satellite, they continue to insolently exist. So I don't care that Miss California lost and didn't attain her life goal of being the supreme living zombie Barbie doll for 365 days and the acquisition of the coveted pure diamond tiara that grants it's wearer the ability to disintegrate anyone they so choose.

Bohemian pricks who are gay for "facts" may assert hurriedly that the crown grants no such powers, but why the Hell would anyone want it if it didn't?

"Because Miss America is an elitest, pointless, overly-hyped, worthless tramp-parade of totally fabricated significance?"

Exactly.

So, in simple, dumb-people words, "I don't give a fuck about Miss America." Really, the only reason I'm even bringing it up is because Perez Hilton, that fat guy who is obsessed with Hollywood shit, is having an ongoing hissy fit, because Miss California, which asked if she supported the legalization of Gay Marriage, said:

"What? Fuck no. I don't think sodomites should be degrading the wonderful institution of Marriage because in some countries, such as South Africa and Iraq and such as don't have marriage, and we as a country have to do the right thing our beliefs and because yeah and that's how I was raised, to wield M-16s and eat apple pie."

~ Miss California (paraphrase)

So Perez Sez:

"SHE'S A BITCH AND A WHORE AND A CUNT. HOW DARE SHE HAVE A VIEWPOINT THAT IS CONTRADICTORY TO MY OWN!"

And goes ahead and uses his fame to turn people against her personally, because that's what America is all about: climbing the ladder of capitalism so you can crush the peons who would dare raise a finger to oppose your rule. Damn, it's getting me hot just thinking about it.

That would be like me making a billion dollars in the lucrative pork belly market, then going to a neighborhood of my choosing. I would ask the inhabitants if they supported Thailand's government. If they give an unfavorable answer, I will call in an airstrike to drop napalm on their houses so those insufferable curs can burn. If you thought this analogy was blown way out of proportion, then I'll just say it's an example of hyperbole.

It was tricky deciding who to side with, but after meditating on the matter while seating upon a giant boulder while drinking boxed wine, I decided they both aren't worth siding with. They both suck.

And so does Kim Kardashian. It's clear that Khloe is the superior Kardashian.

Taking the Economy to the Vet to Get It Fixed.

I know everyone loves when I write about fluffly poppy topics like Sex, Celebrities, Relationship Advice and Intergalactic Fucking, but in these tough economic times, I have to conserve that shit. We just have to wait for President Obama to use his Obama-magic to spend more capital than what is allowed for in their entire budget in the space of 2 months, as this supposedly will create four trillion jobs.

I'm sick of hearing about "the economy", and how it is failing and horrible. People are freaking out about this like it just started raining axes. What frustrates me is that the solution is fucking obvious and I'm perplexed as to why no one has thought of this to alleviate the problem. You see, I have this theory that 9 out 10 economist are lemming-like dunces from Planet Stupid. So, all the government needs to do is appoint some old, Caucasian male in an Italian suit to be appointed to an imaginary position of financial power, then have him appear on all outlets of media, issuing a proclaimation that the Economy Was Fixed. "Don't worry." He'd say, "We took care of it this afternoon. The economy is now fixed." and would explain shitload of financial diagrams and charts illuminating the newly-fixed economy.

Once the economy is declared fixed, investors will go "Yipee", and blindly pour tons of money into the stock market, which will cause companies to profit immensely, and they will soak up all the unemployed workers like a giant metaphorical hypothetical mop soaking up a massive pile of vomit. Once again, it'll be the American Dream for all the middle-class white families, and magic rainbows of joy will penetrate the clouds like a hooker in a coma, and white bunnies will prance in the streets freely and gleefully once more until there is a nuclear war or something.

Then all our media outlets would spontaneously combust, because our star cruisers can't repel firepower of that magnitude.

Me Dictating an Angry Letter to a Congressperson

Despite my massive hangover crashing viciously against the insides of my head like a crazed goat, I managed to catch a blog from Southern4life, where I watched a video where a Congressman, Scott Renfroe, R (huge surprise) Colorado, compares being gay to murder, using that great Republican argument that we shouldn't "make sin legal". Well, gee, that makes perfect sense except that this fatass refuses to make gluttony illegal, but choose not to acknowledge that as sin because of his pride, which happens to be another legal sin. And since he wants to follow the book of Leviticus so badly, maybe he shouldn't be eating ham sandwiches.

Consequently, it says in the Bible that a person who breaks even part of the Old Law (from the leviticus region of the Bible) is guilty of breaking ALL of it, so basically, his ham sandwich pretty much makes him a sodomizing animal-fucker.



Therefore, I wrote him this email:

to: scott.renfroe.senate@state.co.us

from: calicolyst@gmail.com

Dear Mr. Renfroe,

I know you're just trying to "do the right thing" and get brownie points with God by banishing homosexuals from being able to wed. I would try to argue with you that you're being an incredible hypocrite, but you're probably not going to return this email, and if you do, it's probably going to be some "You made some good points, but I gotta go with what the Bible teaches", nonsense that totally disregards that Jesus part of the Bible where he tells us that we should all love each other despite being sinners. So, what I'm going to do instead is simply say that your face looks stupid.

Despite the childish overtones this message may convey, the more I think about it, the more his face does look stupid. Anyhow, that's kind of moot, and this actually a small waste of my time, considering that since the fall of Soviet Russia, the Republicans have been trying desperately to find a new enemy to peg all of America's problems on, and unfortunately for gay people, they drew the small straw.

Anyhow, you all reading this should email your congresspeoples and just let them know what a fucked-up job they're doing right now, especially Scott Refroe.

I Didn't Watch the Oscars Because I Didn't Really Want To.

The Oscar Awards were held yesterday and I didn't watch them. I plan to spend the next several days avoiding anything that attempts to inform me about who won what. This may prove to be difficult, because I read the news, and the people in the news love Awards Shows, especially when they have nothing to report, leading their coverage to blow a relatively low unemployment rate out of proportion.

Here's what happened at the Oscars (I know because this always happens):

- Some movie everyone liked won a ton of awards.

- Some movie no one expected won some awards.

- Some movie that was expected to win a bunch of awards won less awards than expected.

- Chris Rock was not invited to host.


Well, I hope they enjoy their little gold-colored statues, but I don't think those will be of much value when the Cloverfield Monster attacks and destroys pretty much everything.

Stupid Comment

As much as I enjoy comments, sometimes, some of them are stupid. I remember eons ago, when the Earth was still young and Dinosaurs ruled the Earth, devouring small mammals and time-traveling scientists, I wrote a blog entry on Myspace about how much I hated Harry Potter. As usual, I exaggerated a lot of things, and wrote it chock-full of my deliberate overboard statements.

I mainly wrote the post to piss off all my friends, who left me comments saying:

"Okay, first of all, Harry Potter books are not 10,000 pages long. Next, there are more wizardry schools besides Hogwarts. Also, the book doesn't always have to 'make sense', because it's a fantasy world and blah blah blah."

Only their spelling was far worse than that.

Anyhow, it's been a long time since I've received a comment that's caused me to blink rapidly out of confusion and dismay at the overall state of human perspicacity, so I was delighted to get this on my Wordpress blog:









(if you can't read it, just assume it says "Nibiru is coming. 12/22/12.")

My response:

WHAT.

That's right, this necessitates a 'what' with no question mark. This came as a random out-of-the-blue response to my awesome post "People Who Need To Shut Up". As far as interpreting what the hell he's talking about, that is something that will be debated by many great philosophers for thousands of years, that is, until some math genius discovers a formula that explains nonsense.

I hate Almond Joy bars. In fact, I hate black twizzlers, black jelly beans, Tootsie Rolls (because they look like little turds), butter-flavored jelly beans, circus peanuts, and especially motherfucking Almond Joy bars. These items all taste like a mixture of garbage, vomit and defeat. I hope the U.S. military use a combination of laser-guided bombs and Special Ops Units to destroy all that bullshit.

But also, I don't visit his "convienience store" (Possibly a humorous combination of 'convenience' and 'Vienna', but I strongly doubt this), do not own a rodent, and am not a morose teenaged boy.

However, I do have a Matrix t-shirt. How did he know!? ESP, BITCHFUCKS!

Dear Nigerians,

Stop sending me e-mails. I'm serious. I don't care how much money your dead rich relatives left you. I'm not giving you my bank account number. Go ahead, cry. CRY YOU LITTLE BABIES.

Take a page out of the Somalians' book. They've brought sea piracy back in the 21st century, which we can all agree is awesome. They don't attempt to trick easily-confused middle aged yuppies on the internet, but rather, board ships and plunder cargo. They slit throats. Have you ever slitten a throat? No, didn't think so. Have you ever fired a harpoon into the side of a barge, then climbed across the cable onto a ship and started hacking people's limbs off?

No.

You'll never be that cool. You spend all your time fabricating stories that involve 15,000,000 dollars, a prince dying, and you needing to flee the country due to communism/terrorists/the plague/cicadas. You spend all day on your stolen computer (that you took from a government office during a period of unrest) answering e-mails, hoping that you can convince some poor sap that you're legitimate. You have no honor, you heathens.

If you do not cease your malign activity at once, we cut off your supply of porn. Your country will then promptly fall slide into anarchy.

- Calicolyst