Dear Nigerians,

Stop sending me e-mails. I'm serious. I don't care how much money your dead rich relatives left you. I'm not giving you my bank account number. Go ahead, cry. CRY YOU LITTLE BABIES.

Take a page out of the Somalians' book. They've brought sea piracy back in the 21st century, which we can all agree is awesome. They don't attempt to trick easily-confused middle aged yuppies on the internet, but rather, board ships and plunder cargo. They slit throats. Have you ever slitten a throat? No, didn't think so. Have you ever fired a harpoon into the side of a barge, then climbed across the cable onto a ship and started hacking people's limbs off?

No.

You'll never be that cool. You spend all your time fabricating stories that involve 15,000,000 dollars, a prince dying, and you needing to flee the country due to communism/terrorists/the plague/cicadas. You spend all day on your stolen computer (that you took from a government office during a period of unrest) answering e-mails, hoping that you can convince some poor sap that you're legitimate. You have no honor, you heathens.

If you do not cease your malign activity at once, we cut off your supply of porn. Your country will then promptly fall slide into anarchy.

- Calicolyst